heaven is an ex-strip club

that downtown nightclub, the all-ages venue of my hometown

this old, broken building, looking out over the waterfront, so you can see the ocean from just outside the doors

the only place I've felt truly happy in years

I was fourteen the first time I went to a show there, depressed and weak and haven't left my room in months, that night changed everything for me. Gave me something to live for. It's where I met my first boyfriend, had my first high, and my first time sharing my eyeliner with a girl I didn't know in the bathroom. 

I'm there at least once a month now. People know me, I know them. My people. Punks and weird kids coming together on a friday night to just have a good time outside of the boredom of the sunlight hours. Getting lost in the music, letting the push and shove of the moshpit take you as you scream along to the band you'd seen live ten times now, able to predict the guitarist's exact movements and mannerisms. You have a crush on him, and when he notices you know every word and he smiles, you get all dizzy in the head. It's like a ridiculous wattpad fever dream. Stupid.

My dream's to play there one day, with my yet-to-be-conceived post hardcore project. That place means everything to me. I used to want to move away when I graduated, to "get out of this boring, stupid town... eughhh..." but now, leaving this whole world behind seems impossible.