I think I'm just meant to be alone.

I'm not trying to be on some cringe lone wolf type stuff (not that there's anything wrong with those kinds of people) It's just that I go into these phases where I become so heartless and cold. I realized the thing I long for greatly, which is being in a relationship, I cannot have because of my dissolute behavior. I try my best to prevent these phases from coming to truth, but my attempts remain futile. I truly don't want to hurt others. Despite that it always ends up happening. The problem is iv surrounded myself with many friends. I've been distancing myself from them, so I don't hurt anyone. So, if you sent me something and I haven't responded this is why. I go from being so involved and caring for someone to being so cold blooded and apathetic. Not sure how long it's going to take for me to learn how to handle this. 

Thanks for reading.