Eating disorders are for life, stop NOW

I deem myself recovered since 2024 from an eating disorder I've had on and off (with big restrictive periods and more lax ones succeeding each other) since 2019.

It made me restrict, it made my over-exercise, it made me take laxatives, puke, lie over and over. But most of all, it made me fucking miserable. Sure, seeing the digits go down was euphoric. But it was never enough. Food was everything that was on my mind, and this constant calculator trying to see if I burned more than I ate.

At one point, the compliments I got stopped doing it for me. The high that drove me, that made me think I was superior to everyone else, it stopped. The self-hate stopped working. I got scared. I didn't want to die from it. So yeah, my cowardly self actually saved me. And I'm damn fucking glad it did. Because had I stayed in that boiling water any longer, my health would be even more fucked.

I am lucky to have very strong and adaptive bowels, they found their way back to a healthy rhythm on their own. It took me a long, long time to learn to eat to fullness and not over-eating until the food was coming back up my throat. To learn that my body will not actually let me kill it. And still today, it makes me avoid exercising because I have such a negative image associated to it. I can be active, but I cannot exercise. I'm scared. Because once you've fallen into eating disorders and no matter how long it's been, just like any addiction, you're never safe from a relapse.

Yet, even as someone who wasn't into purging, I now still have recurrent acid reflux. It used to come after a meal, if I laid down too flat or bent over too long. It was humiliating. Now it comes whenever it wants. I could be sitting up straight at work, on an empty stomach, and I'll get acid come up my throat. Or I could be on top of my partner, very much in the moment, and I'll have to tap out because I don't want to spit stomach acid in their face. HU-MI-LI-A-TING.

But I have to live with it now. It's my responsibility as an adult. I can only say I'm glad it wasn't more serious.

It's never worth it. Talk to someone, please.

I don't know if this blog will help anyone, but if it does I'm glad.

Just like the many people that still advocate for recovery in disordered spaces by sharing their stories and that of others.

Just like the numerous victims who have died because of this illness and are now unnamed subjects in forensic papers (like her, who has been haunting my mind to recover)

You are worth so much more.

Please listen to your body and live.