autism and social life

theres like a fundamental isolation and thats the main emotion i feel around other people is isolation and loneliness and its super fucking discouraging when it comes to trying to connect with new people. because i want total emotional closeness and intimacy i get very uncomfortable and am very unsatisfied with superficial friendships but its a nightmare trying to open up to people and get them to see me and not just see me but understand me and love me. every interaction feels like a joke im not in on and everyone else is judging me for miscalculating the rules and confines within said joke!!! why cant i peel back your skin and live in your bones?? i want someone to go to the store and say 'oh he hates bananas' when they pass the fruit section without thinking and light up and go 'i'll get him a snickers bar' when they see the candy aisle. i want total intimacy with no walls no barriers no weirdness i want to be naked emotionally with no judgement. but i cant seem to get my foot in anywhere at all i always slip and stumble and embarrass myself im unable to form any connection let alone a deep loving one that i yearn for. even when theres tons of people around me im alone.