my big secret.

i think i hate you. truly, i do. i used to think it was impossible for me to hate anyone. i dont feel like there is hate in my bones. but my depression slump is back. not the summer one, but the same one i had in sixth grade which is weird because that was so long ago. it was when all i had was the hoodie and my one friend everyone hated who was just using me until she found a better replacement who would put up with her. these past 5 years have been great but then you came along last year and my peace was disturbed. it hasnt even been two years but i was so lonely from my other friend replacing me, which i somehow keep finding people who just replace me after two years. so in my loneliness i found you. but now my depression is back and you have stopped picking up my calls. i keep telling myself its better this way, but that funny feeling is back. that funny feeling. the one that tells me its all going to be hard for a few years. honestly i thought i missed it. but now that its back, i realise i dont miss it. ive been weird the past few weeks and they all knew it. but nobody has deemed themselves to ask why? or given me enough to trust they wont tell their closer friends. the truth is i am scared. i dont want to be bipolar. but its in my blood and i know the symptoms. truth is, when my mother was in the psychiatric center, i felt more scared then i should have. i know now that its because i am terrified that will be me. maybe thats it. maybe my slumps are actually episodes and maybe its too late. thats my big secret. to all those who dont know me. my big secret is that i dont want to be who ive grown up seeing. i dont want to be those people around me. none of them. but you cant always pick the people around you. i know that fact well. so now that you refuse to call me i will worry about you. i will until we finally talk. but i will also avoid talking to you. i dont want to push you into doing something uncomfortable because i know that feeling.