Grief

found out yesterday that one of my online friends, who'd had leukemia, passed away back in may of last year. I'd had no idea, i'd been sending her messages, hoping she'd come back, not realizing she was already gone. It feels weird, like i haven't quite processed that she's really gone, that she wont ever grow with me, that she'll never cosplay with me again, that we won't play shitty roblox games again. I can't help wishing i'd spent more time with her. I usually bailed on hangouts on vcc due to depression and just being tired, but now i wish i'd pushed through. I still remember her voice, but how long until I no longer hear it in my mind?

I've never been good with grief. I guess no one really is, are they? I've never had someone close to me pass away, never really felt this level of pain knowing someone is gone. I miss her. I miss my best friend. 

The one good thing that's come from it is that im going to try harder. To live, to spend time with my friends every moment I can. I know she'd want me to be happy, and i'll keep living for her. I'll carry her with me in everything I do, everything we enjoyed together will hold her in it. I just hope she's at peace now. The last conversation we ever had was about 13 days before she passed, and she talked about how much pain she was in from chemo. She won't have to feel that pain anymore. I wish we'd had a chance to meet in person.

I love you so much, Izzy. Rest in peace.