the trouble with people

i've been thinking about my affiliations and associations recently.

i've never fit neatly in with any group of people. i constantly find myself on the outskirts of everything. i join a batch of misfits (of any kind) and i'm struggling to relate. it makes me really reconsider if i'm the type of person who's meant to be "part of" things or if i'm better off keeping to my own beat.

this isn't always political, but it usually is.

someone i knew awhile ago once told me, "the trouble with any group is, there's people in it."

i don't intend to agree with every person i come into contact with. i would severely question myself if i was in a total echo chamber. but it can be extremely frustrating to feel "part of" something based on values i derive from it, only to find other people not embodying the same or similar values. how can we both be lumped into the same category and be so drastically different?

one relevant example is the time i spent in The Satanic Temple. i had arguments with people about their second Tenet: "The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions." we define "justice" differently. i included TST as part of the "institutions" and others didn't. "don't break the law," some would say, as if morality is based on legality.

another example is with Juggalos. i've spent a lot of time listening to and dissecting Insane Clown Posse's music. they're anti-racist, anti-government, anti-cop... and yet there are conservative Juggalos encouraging ICE and Trump to see "illegals" removed from our country. make it make sense.

i've been single for 8 years and i'm becoming much less interested in dating or meeting people. i haven't talked to my qualifier in 10 months.

i have friends, and small friend groups. i have pockets of support systems. i go to AA and SLAA meetings. i keep up with a handful of people on a daily basis.

i've practically exited from my whole family. i regularly talk to my sister, and i check in with my dad. my mom told me the other day that our relationship might be irreparable and called me selfish, so i blocked her.

i'm really struggling to motivate myself to want to invest time and effort into others. there is a yearning within me to go to work, go to meetings, and then go home and stay there. i am feeling jaded and benumbed.

but this feels like a "champagne problem." the world is falling apart and i just want a safe place to stay away from it all.

is that so wrong?