tw like everything

I feel it deteriorating. I feel it falling apart. :(. why did I go back and look at all that stuff cause I just feel like im a terrible person and I hate who I am and I need to be yelled at for feeling this way. the urge to smoke and get unbelievably high is so hard to resist. I need to be detached from this on the wall feeling. I feel like im on the edge. everyone around me. "are you okay?" "you dont look too good" I Know I just I Am Going through this weird headspace I wanna throw up I want help. I want someone to tell me to calm down. I want someone to tell me it's okay and I will be fine. I need someone to grab my shoulders and restrain my from physically thinking. I keep checking my phone. "has he texted me?" hes at work!!! fuck!!! just leave him alone!!! on that note... leave everyone alone!!! fuck everyone!!! I wanna cut myself. I wanna cut so deep I need stitches. I want someone to see just how badly I can destroy my own body. why Is that? why do I want someone to see me hurt to be believed. I feel like how I feel doesn't matter unless someone else can physically see my pain and suffering. fuck. I Want To hurt myself??? I should go home. I might leave class early. fuck I just. I wanna put the blade to my thigh filled with scar tissue and slice away. push deep into my skin and aggressively slide it across so I cant slowly cut I need to do it fast so I cant change my mind while doing it. plus it just goes deeper. fuck. i wanna cut and then see the white and it slowly fill with blood. its such a satisfying feeling u dont understand it just feels So Good. its like God Yes. im gonna reach out to friends. im gonna just. stop talking to him for a little. im too attached.  i need to get away. I feel scared of how attached to him. I feel like he wont understand. I feel like he wont listen anymore I feel like he wont care anymore. I feel like. I feeluhm. I feel like I shouldn't need him anymore. I hate how reliant I am on him cause then when he cant meet my needs I'm devastated. I feel devastated lowkey. that he could ever fear losing feelings for me. its just. like. it makes me feel like hes Already? Uncertain? and I hate it. it triggered a hole in my head. I have a. hole in my head. in my Chest. and it's growing. it's happening. I wanna accuse him of things. I wanna tell him that he doesn't love me at all and I feel left out. of what? I dont know. I just want him to love me. love me more. show it more. tell it more. fuck. I need more.