Journal Entry #3: Self-Harm... Maybe

 In light of the subject title, I will be writing about my form of self-harm. I don't want anyone who feels uncomfortable about that subject to read on. But, hey, if you don't care, I don't care. 

 Anyway, I was clean for a long time. Like almost two years(?). When I was upset, I would find something hard, like a baseball bat or my rollerblades and just go ham on my legs. Imagine me laughing here because I am. It's not reeaally funny, unfortunately. My legs where constantly covered in bruises, and I mean bad ones. Black, blue, purple. Remembering the pain almost makes me miss it? I honestly don't know how I swung a bat at my own legs so effortlessly, I just remember me doing it and the relief I felt afterwards. You could never catch me in shorts no matter what growing up so no one questioned me always wearing jeans or sweatpants. 

 I've been clean from that for about 13 months. I relapsed two days ago. No bruises, thankfully. I honestly didn't even realize how long I had been clean because I don't keep track of that shit. But when I did do it again, it was freeing almost. Sometimes I didn't exactly understand what others meant when they said that. "Relapsing without anyone knowing is so freeing." I get what they mean now. I remembered how long it's been since I actually felt that feeling, you know? It's not a good thing, I'm not proud of it. It just really fucking sucks to realize how long I went without. I obviously need to find a better way TO let it out. I'm not like a weird masochist, I swear. To be honest, I might be the complete opposite, I hate the pain. I just feel like I deserve it, sadly. (Ok nerd). But we ball.

 I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, I just really want to vent. I have an actual journal but... I don't know. I write both here and there. Sometimes I want to rip up all of the pages. Can't really tear up a computer screen. It feels more permanent to me. Anyhow, I feel like writing about my ex more but that might have to be a whole separate blog because he has nothing to do with this. Back to listening to sad emo music before I even try to have a good day.