16082005

♪ ♬ .. Tears over Beers - Modern Baseball .. ♪ ♬


I still clearly remember your long dark brown hair which you always had problems to brush them. Your shiny green eyes, hardworking hands, all the time dirty from mechanics. Your glasses which you always cleared them. Your army themed hoodie, a merch from World of Tanks.

I've always thought you're just a simple boy, nothing else. But one day you've cried on my shoulder, while I was calming you down. You were crying over some silly club, they didn't have place for you because it was full and I decided to give my place to you. You told me so many times thank you, I can't even count. That's the day when I saw something in you, something... human being. And I think that was the day when I started to catch feelings for you, but I didn't realize that.

Summer 2021. You were packing computers. That was first time after a while when we spoke. We're the same nationality and you said you're glad there's someone who speaks the same language as you. We talked in russian about everything while packing our things. We even hugged each other. Before hug I asked you if I can hug you and you smiled and said yes. Your hug was warm, so warm. 

I fell in love with you. My whole Summer was about me being excited to see you after Summer holidays. I imagined how we talk to each other about life, while walking outside to explore every single detail about this world. 

...

After that Summer something changed in you. You cutted your hair, changed style. You became agressive and distanced. Your eyes were cold, so cold. That time, I was so naive and so in love. I decided to fight for you, to show you that you matter to me. 

That I love you.

I can't count how many times you beated me, making on my whole body bruises. Every single day you did that, every single day it was hard for me to physically do something. My body was in pain from constant beating.

I fighted, but for what, for who? It was so late when I realized that you, you from Summer 2021, is gone, gone forever. I only realized that when I was at police station, telling to an officer in which clothing I was when you pushed me into school toilets, closed the door and tried to... ... ...

I was 14, naive girl for the first time deeply in love. 

...

I got rid of these clothes later when police officers allowed me to. Too much hands. Too much bad memories.

It's been 4 years now from the report. I'm in very, very different place now. And yet, I sometimes so clearly remember you, your hands, you hair and eyes and everything what we did together. 

You still come to my dreams. I don't know why, maybe my brain tries to go through that or maybe it has some spiritual meaning behind.

Your phone number now belongs to some different person, and it shrinks my heart sometimes. You did very cruel things to me, but yet, imagining you being dead... I don't know. It's hard.

Do I miss you? No. But do I miss you? Yes. I do. 

I want my answers, yet I do not want to know the truth behind your change. Because I know it hurted you so much. 
And that it would hurt me so much, too.