sensitive? emotional?

idk if this is called a rant, but prolly similar to that. 

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been crying a lot today, no reason at all, it's just some negative thoughts taking over my mind and I just keep crying "calm down" then cry again. My eyes doesn't hurt...not yet. I just don't have anyone to tell my troubles to. I have friends, family relatives that I could talk with but the fear of getting judge and making myself look like a burden to them stops me from opening up of what I'm actually going through, what's going on inside my head. So I bottle them up inside and take it out through making diary entries, voice audio journals, poems and songs. I just can't show my actual self, I'm the only one who knows what kind of a person I am. I forgot when's the last time I opened up to someone, prolly to my close friend back in 8th grade, but we drifted apart and he has a much closer friend now, and I consider him as an acquaintance now.

Have you ever take a second of meltdown, and thought of where you went wrong, what sin have you done to be in the most awful, pathetic, deep$h1t place you are in?

I always think about that everyday, I ask myself, why do I give a damn about what people say, whether it's a joke or nah, I overthink it. and it's exhausting, I always think of ways to be more sociable or how I can reassure people, but rn it's more like reassuring myself that I'm still existing, and to know I'm still doing that is that I talk to people even though I'm tired, drained and burned out. 

I feel like I'm drifting away like a ghost. I feel like everyone hates me. I feel like I can't handle it anymore. I dont feel like myself and I can't tell that to anyone I know irl because they wont understand and it's this rumbling on my chest and I just get teary eye and i cry and cry and cry....