Z dvriwl

My mind is full of them. They seem all to be so different, but together they have one collective goal - to remind me how much I am useless piece of shit.

Everything what happened to me is my fault. Doesn't matter. It's just my fault. Feeling of guilt which I care on my back from my early childhood. From the moment, when she ... ... ... I don't know if I want to say that. 
Cruel to say.
Too cruel.

People around me think I'm just crazy, but am I actually crazy? Is that reason why so many people avoid me? My craziness? My voices in my head?

But how do I get rid of them? Of the voices? It seems like nothing at all cures this. Pills, beliefs, hard work. It feels like I'm cursed with curse, which cannot be undone. Curse of the family, curse of everything and everyone. 

It's been years and I still feel the same. Empty, lonely, melancholy. Sometimes agony, which ended with hospitals. Yet, I feel how I lose touch of myself... My personality, me, myself and I is spiralling more and more when I age older and older. It feels like I'm losing myself, yet it as well feels like I'm finding myself, too.

I'm so tired yet I'm so energetic. I hate whole world yet I want to save world. I hate myself, yet I want to help myself. Never ending cycle.

They will always remind me how much I am a bad person. How much people who I loved hate me now. These words from my loved ones... I'll always remember them, because these voices will always remind me them. Look, look, did you forgot about what they said to you? Here's a reminder, just to remember how much people can hate you. One mistake and you'll be alone, again, once again. Don't fuck up it, but we know you will fuck it up again. You always do.

I don't know how to explain this to doctors... Because I know I'll be immediatly sent into hospital for a long time. Because people think that people like me are dangerous, very dangerous. Just because I hear voices, see something what others don't... does that mean I'm dangerous? Maybe for myself... Because I'm so tired. Tiredtiredtired. But for others? No. Never. I cannot stand pain of others, I saw too much pain.

And if doctors will put that specific diagnosis on the paper, I'll be immediatly a joke around others. Fountain of the slurs, short and simple word which should be taken seriously, yet almost everyone use it as it's just... a word with no background. 

I'm too different.

My voices know that.

That's why ... ... ...