Late Night Rant #2

*slowly sips matcha drink* Well well well. Looks who can't sleep again.

Yea yea, I'm having sleep problems again recently for the past 2 weeks. Idk why but right now it's cuz of . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁depression . ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. bUt bRe YoU aLwAyS hAv- shut up I KNOW. 

Anyway, rant time, y'all ever think about how werid it is when someone isn't in your life anymore? Like overall, nothing specific. That's what's on my mind rn at 1am. Like, I was deleting old DMs on Instagram and saw my old group chat from high-school. The people in the chat I've known since middle school, some since elementary school, one girl since I've moved to the area 2013.

Anyway, the GC is dead now with the last message being happy new year from 2025. Some people left, which understandable, others are still in, including an ex of mine. 

OH BOY LET'S TALK BOUT HIM.

Before anything is said, he was a good guy and I will never hate him. I actually talk about him alot to my friends and I try to keep his memory alive the best I can. He died by suicide back in January 2023, it's gonna be 3 years in 2 days soon. I met him though a mutual friend and we chatted all night after we met. He was super sweet and we goofed around a lot. He started calling me "buttercup" and it instantly became my favorite pet name/nickname anyone gave me, idk it was adorable. Anyway, he asked me out during a game of cards against humanity within the friend group. I said yes cause I was crushing hard lol. We started dating, then some bad and sad stuff started happening in his life. I tried to be there the best I could for him and made it clear that I will be here for him no matter what. We talked a bit about what was happening and then he explained that he needed a bit of space for a little. I said ok and gave it but kept texting. So the night of my senior semi in high school came and my group went together with some of us being dates to each other. My one friend (who introduced me and my ex) started being distant halfway though the night. I asked what was up he said nothing then started to have fun with the rest of us. Next day I just get off work and he texts me saying he has to tell me something. I asked what was up, he said that my ex committed last night and he found out during semi. My hear sunk and I started to bawl my eyes out as my mom drove me home. The rest was a blur of my actions afterwards.

Wow, big paragraph. That day opened my eyes more with mental health tbh. Part of me felt like if I was there more for him he would still be here, I still feel that at times. Now I try my best to be there more for all my friends and make it clean that I'm always near to help, even if its just listening or if they just need a hug.

It's werid that he's not here anymore, some times I wanna text him just to be goofy, ik he won't answer.

My grandpa is another example. He passed away from covid19 in the hospital 2022. I remember that night clear as day.

I was in my room on FaceTime with my boyfriend at the time. We were just yapping until my mom came in my room. She said she had grandpa on the phone. My grandpa went to the hospital earlier in the week because the whole house got covid (except my brother) and it got to the point where grandpa couldn't even eat or hold a cup of water. My mom called 911 and they took him away cause he kept getting worst. Anyway, she has him on the phone and asks if I want to say anything. He was asleep and couldn't respond. I said "hi grandpa, I miss you and want you to get better and want you to come home, I love you,". My mom then went to my brother to have him say something, then to my grandma. After she hung up the phone she went to the back patio to sit out. A half-hour later my mom comes in my room in tears and says "get dressed, I think we lost grandpa". My face falls flat. I was till on FaceTime so my bf at the time saw it all. I tell him what's going on and he said he'll let me go and to keep him updated with what's happening. We took my grandma's car, my mom's friend was driving with my mom in the front with him, backseat was me, my brother, and my grandma. The car was silent with some sobs here and there. I kept to myself holding back the tears telling myself this wasn't actually happening. We got there and went to see grandpa immediately, he was actually gone. He was laying there in the hospital bed with tubes all in him, his hand was yellow. My mom had my brother and I wait in the hallway as everyone else stayed with grandpa, I was 16, my brother was either 13 or 14. The doctor asked if we were his grandchildren and then said sorry for our lost.

I'm still hurt by his death, but I'm better than the past. The next day I had play rehearsal and was not there mentally. We we're doing a production of The Wizard of Oz, which happened to be one of the many films grandpa and I bonded over, he even gave me his collection of figures years ago when I was young. People asked what was wrong, I told them, they all said I shouldn't be there, I said I needed to stay to get away. I didn't wanna feel anything then.

But it's werid, one second you're having a great time with a person then next they're gone. Same feeling with people you grow apart from, one second their you're best friend next you start to forget what they look like.

I'm in the process of that happening. A friend of mine got a boyfriend and is slowly drifting away from me. Not much I can say bout that but womp womp.

Some people that I stopped talking to a while ago I started talking to here and there. When I was coming home for winter break, 2 old online friends from 2020 reached out to me. It was nice hearing from them and knowing they are doing good in life. The memories make the feeling worst though. Sometimes I wish I had that memory zapper from Gravity Falls so I can erase certain memories. AND PEOPLE, GEEZ I WISH I NEVER MET SOME PEOPLE BUT WOMP WOMP.

This blog got long fast. Did I shed tears from writing this? Ofc I did. If you know me in irl, YEAAAA YOU DOOOOO. >3<

Anyway, I have to try to sleep cuz I gotta go to doctor's in the A.M. to try and find out what's wrong with me. If you read this far, how-- is me being depressed that interesting-? @-@. 

Ok, goodnight. See ya! ^-^