nonsense

i talk and i talk and i talk. i talk so much that i feel embarrassed afterwards because everytime i open my mouth it’s like a long crying plea for someone to understand me and i am so tired. and i’m so mad at myself because all my friends ever do is be nice to me and i’m still so sad and depressed and when i’m upset about my shitty grades i feel even worse because i did this to myself and i don’t deserve to cry. still my friends don’t make fun of me or tell me to stop crying about outcomes that i could’ve prevented if i wasn’t such a lazy bitch. they accept me with open arms and big smiles and i’m still so fucking sad. i still can’t find a meaning of life. i am just existing because i was put into this world without asking me and now i have to carry this heavy body and feed it and teach it so many stuff so i can keep surviving by making money. i didn’t want any of this. i hate being a burden. i hate myself so much. i wish someone could understand all the pain i am going through. but then again, what even is my problem? what did i even go through to deserve be in so much pain? i am so tired. i thought i was gonna die today because of food poisoning and i didn’t even panic. i just thought that my room was to messy to leave behind. i am so exhausted.