useless job + neurodivergency complaining ..

i applied to a job i was very excited for and came in today to follow up with them, only to be told they already found someone awhile ago and forgot to take the post down. which, is okay and things happen, but i'm beyond disappointed and pretty sad. i even shed a few tears lol.

the place was a kind of toy store that seemed more aimed at neurodivergent teens, and its been really hard to find jobs around my area that are friendly and understanding of autism and such. my last job was awful, i enjoyed being a barista there but everyone was very into gossiping about each other and i quit because everyone was so mean about things for no reason. maybe a dumb reason to quit an okay paying job, but i found myself wanting to actually work less and less, what is the point of being there if i'm going to allow myself to be dead weight.

but, whatever, i was just excited at the idea of working there. its been around since i was super little and one of the few stores in town that hasn't disappeared within a year or two of existing. i'm trying to focus on the little wins, though, i actually applied and i actually followed up - its small and probably easy sounding, but its important to me i guess.

sometimes i feel like if i were more attractive or dressed more eccentrically i would have a better chance at working somewhere or.. getting anywhere in general.

on the bright side, i got caramel hot chocolate to stay warm. its been very cold, thanks new england. the barista handed it straight to me, left the counter and everything as soon as i walked through the door. it was sweet, or maybe he was just trying to get rid of me as fast as possible. either works.

i feel frustrated and anxious that 2026 will not be my year, but i have to focus on the little wins. maybe i'll try cleaning my room and self-care as much as i can, and journal, hopefully. i procrastinate terribly.