Paranoia

♪ ♬ .. 1969 - Boards of Canada .. ♪ ♬

It's been years. I can't remember properly when it started. Maybe when my ma started to threat me when I didn't act like she wants me to act, maybe when strange white car was driving around my elementary school. 

It's not just simple fear - it's something more complex. 
Constant obsessive thoughts some specific people watch me and know everything, even what I never whispered aloud in this world. Through these cameras someone's watching me. Is it my ma, who's again too much worried about me? Too much deep thinking about the world and sense of this world. Whenever I'm outside, I feel these eyes - they all hate me, I can hear it in my head.

The worst is a nighttime. When I can't fall asleep and suddenly I feel like something is watching me. Something unusual, unnatural. In that moment only what I can do is to find my comfort plushie and hide under blanket, praying to fall asleep as soon as possible. 

I all the time feel anxiety. I rarely feel actually calm. But I never say it to anyone. I don't want to make anyone worry about me. Or make them laugh at me, saying not nice words. I know I'm weird, I do not need to be reminded of that. I know that too well.

But when I'm listening to the music, I can for a while forget about... everything. About this world, these people, these rules and laws, social etiquette, my past, my worries, my feelings and thoughts. 

I wish my brain could produce music. It would be much, much easier to live on this planet.