its not a burnout its just the environment and the fact that im fundamentally lazy (not in a bad way though)

had a lot to say in my mind in the shower but i kinda forgot most of it and lost the motivation to write everything

its frustrating!

ive done nothing since i came back home besides draw and hang out with friends which is like...GREAT! but not rlly! i want to do more and i had a lot of small things i wanted to do

ive been hating drawing a bit maybe because ive been LITERALLY DOING IT EVERYDAY but also bc its like!! its genuinely hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but as much as i hate it its like..its also really awesome ugh. ughhhh. and i feel like i honestly could spend this whole winter break drawing and trying to improve if i wanted to

but i want to do a lot more, because im a lot more than my art and i also have a lot of responsibilities and a future that i want to work on

i want to plan more and think more...especially so that I can have a clearer mindset walking into 2026 but idrk what im doing. im eating like shit and i just draw and draw. i dont feel like im rotting....bc ig im still doing smth besides doomscrolling but its just like..it still doesnt feel good. i want to write more and IDK JUST. DO MORE. 

and its stressing me out! a part of me is like "why can u literally not let yourself catch a break" and another part of me is like "u literally bum out 75% of your day on average" so i just dont rlly know. i dont like being stressed though and i dont want to hate myself and JUST LIEK! iM SICK OF TS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET ME BREATHE!!!!

im low on motivation and i feel like a corpse/zombie that just draws and draws. literally not a single thought. but im self-conscious enough to recognize that this is not what i want to do. and when im in a place in my mind like this, i end up wanting to just like...be sad and frustrated and say random bs 

chasing smth carnal and/or taboo and intense. As in mara barl. smth like the oresteia if it was written about love instead of hate/vengeance. something like sappho. 

i was just in thr boiling hot shower and it was just like......i just wanted the water to get hotter and seep into my skin and cook me from the inside so id just lie dead in the tub, maybe even meld into the ceramic or whatever the fuck the tub is made of

like honestly

idfk what im saying anymore but im so freaking tired

i need to sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! also i want to read more of mara barl's writings theyre really good and sometimes theyre too insane but sometimes they reach somewhere in my heart so deep that it helps me reconnect w myself and feel whole. 

idrk drkdidirkifjfjfkjvbkabs ks;bv kjbfknmvdfmnn bye