another crashout for the books | 12/26/2025

tl;dr
many trials and tribulations today
sanity bar is low ash
just have to make it to the end of my 4 year degree and then ill move out
parents don't have to actively do anything to give me panic attacks anymore
they can just chill downstairs and my brain will do the rest for them by conjuring memories
it's not even fair
trauma is OP

long version:

my parents no longer have to actively do anything to give me a panic attack. they just have to be downstairs when i want to leave the house or walk into my room while i'm in girlmode and that's enough to like. scare me out of wanting to do or be anything.

like all they have to do is exist and the muffled sounds of their voices will ensure that i'm never comfortable.

for the past 2 hours i've been panicking and deliberating and trying to force myself to ask them if i can leave the house (because at 18 i still need their permission) but by the time i settled on a smuggleable rain-proof femme-enough outfit, i think they'd say it's too late for me to be going out. and i'm tired, like literally exhausted from an entirely internal 2 hour battle. i've just been running ruts in my brain mulling over talking to them or whether or not my outfit looks good/femme enough or if it's too late to be going out.

all because trauma and dumb family and generational trauma and expectations and personal backstories and culture and psychology etcetera etc etc evolution and consequently present states are all arbitrary and therefore i neither blame nor scorn anyone or anything ahahahhah i can see why religion is so powerful now it's because the universe is cold and arbitrary and as hard as i try it's hard to be into that 

annnnnnnyyyyyyways

my mom walked into my room while i was picking out my outfit and i was js like shirtless and in fishnet tights. and she didnt say anything and tried to act loving/supportive while standing there with some stupid small talk. but she just looked at everything and at me and looked for a stupidly long time while i made it clear i was uncomfortable. mind you, she is the one who thinks it's morally wrong for me to be nb, doesn't want me on hrt, and cries and cries and about how somehow she messed up while growing up and also while raising me or something??? like just fucking fuck off with the bullshit. stop making ME both stressed and guilty. get out of my fucking room, this nicely decorated prison cell whose bars you can keep staring through, just to make me feel worse and worse. except that's not even true, she doesn't want me to feel scared, she wants to love me and THATS the shitty part. shes stressing me out via genuine acts of love.

all i can think of in response to that is "go fuck yourself mom".

when my parents are at home i keep myself in my room. it's the only place where i can put them out of my mind. either with music in the headphones or unconscious in bed.

my parents have always made me uncomfortable. maybe it was all that shouting and crying.

and they used to always yell at me for sitting around or doing what i liked instead of studying. well, the real reason my dad was so mean to me was just his own personal trauma and exhaustion and anger, but of course i didn't realize that until it was too late and now i'm scared of just existing. i don't want to work on music when they're home. i don't want to do anything, everything feels like a wrong move.

my parents also used to never let me go out. i hung out with friends either without them knowing or with their permission like once a month. don't ask why; it's stupid. 

and now my mom is constantly worrying about me out at night, who i'm out with (and whether or not they're trans), also genuinely worrying about my 'mental health' and gender like GO FUCK YOURSELF MOM. the most you can do for me now is leave me alone. the guilt and the imagining you in my head and the memories and the thinking and the processing and the untangling it's so fucking exhausting and it's eating at me from the inside out.

maybe ill write a poem or smthn