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I'm back home for winter break and I'm getting reaccustomed to the unfamiliarity of my parent's house. I wasn't able to stay at my friend's apartment for winter break as planned. It turns out I am so allergic to her dog that my eyes swelled, a sore throat was coming on, and I was sneezing/coughing like a motherfucker. I had to go home. Back in my parents' house! Yahoo!!!
I guess I'm gonna ramble a bit. I have a lot on my mind now that I'm sitting on my old bed in my dusty garage room. These thoughts aren't particularly in order. It's not a particularly eloquent lamentation.
It's in this moment where I really wish I could tell one of my friends "I actually maybe sort of miss my now ex-boyfriend. Like I know he sucked in the last couple months, he told me that he was sick of me anyways, and that he didn't want to talk to me because I was on my period. but damn! He was the only one that frequently took me out of the house so that I could get away from family!! God forbid I wished that guy liked me for a LITTLE longer." There is only one response I'd get from my friends and it's to LOCK IN. Have you considered that he sucked? Can we all just lock in?
No like, I get I need to lock in-- but I wonder if I really am the harshest person on the planet. This guy was probably still in his depressive episode and I just cut him off like that and maybe didn't let the argument resolve itself. Or something. He was a great guy before those last two months. I gave him zero chances to make it up to me because I didn't even know how he was gonna be able to after telling me that he was burnt out when I told him he was able to redeem himself. Whatever. I can't just suddenly undo everything. No one gets second chances anymore. Nobody would even want me to give this guy a second chance. This guy wouldn't want me to come back either. He said he was burnt out. He was gone before I dumped him.
Anyways, my new hard rule: I'm not gonna go back down for my breaks anymore. No more. If people wanted to visit me, they can drive up or book a ONE HOUR flight up if they really didn't want to bother. I mentioned this to one of my friends and they said that it sucked because they have no time to visit me and they didn't want me hating them because they didn't visit. I don't know. I don't really care. I told them that I wasn't an "if they wanted to, they would" person, but part of me is. God forbid every now and then I wanted someone close to me to put in effort to visit me instead of the other way around.
During my trip back down, my friend driving me told me they had a friend visit them from all the way in Michigan. How about that? Wow! All the way in Michigan. And I can't get my friends who are literally in the same state to visit me? Whatever. That isn't to say I've been completely devoid of visits. I had one friend visit me twice during my time in university. She's such a darling friend to me and I'd move mountains for her. My two other close friends never visited me, no even for a weekend. And not even when the other was unemployed and doing nothing. Overall, I have to come back down if I want to hang out with my friends typically.
My ex never visited me up north, not even once. He said that his parents wouldn't allow him to drive up to see me and he always hinged on one of his friends planning a trip up. Those obviously never happened. Why not just plan a trip up with friends yourself? Why not just break the rules? Whatever. I wasn't mad about it at the time. Now, I just think to myself,
Sometimes you really have to fight to be independent and no one wants to put in that fight anymore.
Asians are particularly prone to that. They let their parents control them and they're so afraid of fighting back. It's a white thing to fight back like that, I've been told. It's just a part of the culture to be abused and take it. Maybe this is my part-Cracker coming out. I have a Chinese mother. I fought her to get my driver's license. I'm still in an ongoing fight with her to let me drive every now and then. I fought her to hang out with my friends late. Sometimes, you have to brave discomfort to actually get peace. I've been braving discomfort every single day of my life. In a world where my older brother has the everything at his fingertips, the stars placed in his palm when he simply asks for it, I have to fight just to be anywhere close to his level of independence. I'm the only daughter in my household dominated by my mother's values. I was fucked from the start.
My ex told me that he couldn't get medicated for his depressive episodes because his parents check his credit card history. At that point, just fight it. We're grown. We're college students. We have to fight for any chance we have to be happy and sometimes you can't let your parents get in the way of that. If my parents found out I was on antidepressants, yeah they'd get mad! But let them be mad! You're responsible for your own happiness. What parent isn't against medication? My mom found out I was on birth control because I had really bad acne/horrible periods. She told me I was ruining myself. I don't care. It's my choice to handle myself medically.
His little brother is the one that's taking the car out and driving it where he's not supposed to. His parents are frequently upset at him for breaking rules, going places without telling them. It's annoying in the moment, but he's gonna be freer than my ex ever will be. It's a younger sibling thing for sure to act out like that, but in the long run, he's going to be able to go wherever he pleases without someone breathing down his neck.
I miss the dates though. And I feel pathetic saying that even. Wow, look at Sinclair over here getting super gross and emotional because she actually maybe wanted for once to experience something like a Christmas date or something adjacent with this guy she likes. God forbid. Goooodddd forbid. Gooddd forbiiiddd she literally DID the action of dumping him like ONE WHOLE MONTH AGO and she's sad over something SHEE DIIIIDD. Whatever. At least this is going on Spacehey and not in any of my friend's DMs.
I missed actually having a guy that I knew liked and cared about me for an actual authentic reason. Usually the men I attract are guys who think I'm some manic pixie dream gamer girl. A "hot nerd", if you will. Either that, or they're attracted to the fact that I've never been interested in dating and it's very hard for me to like people. They're attracted to the fact that I'm a challenge of sorts, I think.
I don't really know what made my ex really like me, but regardless he still really liked me. And it wasn't because he thought I was an attractive gamer girl hummina hummina or that I was "a challenge" or anything like that. It felt very genuine to me. It's hard for me to really show emotions outside of being sort of sarcastic/jokey in real life, so maybe it's my fault that he stopped liking me. I wasn't verbally affectionate enough because it was so hard for me to. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't bring myself to say things like that because I would feel so embarrassed to, especially over Discord where we usually communicated (the long-distance of it all). Part of me thinks I dumped him so that he wouldn't be able to have a chance to do it first. And I dumped him when he maybe deserved more leniency.
Maybe I just want an apology. A genuine heartfelt apology. Maybe I want him to find his way back to me again and to tell me that he wouldn't treat me the way he did a couple months ago. Or I'm back at my parents' house again and he shows up in front of my door to have the Big Talk with me. And he grovels. Maybe I like the idea of this man groveling for me to accept him again. And maybe I'd fight it at first, but be really happy he went out of his way to do it. But I'm not living in a romcom, so it's kind of a useless and immature thought to have.
I don't know. The guy sucked. What's the point in lamenting over your first boyfriend that was gone in less than a year anyways? There wasn't a universe where I thought I'd be attached to someone like that. I've been known to cruise solo for the sheer love of the game. I always end my blogs about him like this. I think I just don't really understand why I'm so sad about this when it's something I chose to do. Maybe I'm just so severely emotionally constipated and I haven't been able to really express it the way I'm doing it here. I feel kind of pathetic and the least put-together I've ever been and there's nothing I can really tell others about it!
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LuciLucilia
Very sorry about your friends and family. I'm very weird about friends and family for this reason... I want them to prove to me that they are actually there for me, which can only really be done through actions and rarely through words. A lot will inevitably prove themselves hollow.
Also I really feel you about rebelling against parents. I know its definitely more of a white thing to be rebellious towards parents, but frankly I'm not even sure its particularly strong for us either. Authoritarianism and mock appeals to "tradition" seem to be a really good intoxicant for a lot of really impressionable people.
People are also just scared of conflict and will accept faux social harmony and false peace just as a way to avoid that conflict, even if the false peace hurts more than the conflict in the long run. I'm probably on the opposite end of the spectrum, I've probably fought my parents way too much, when I should have just moved to another hill to die on. Nonetheless, I'd much rather live this way than the way so many around me have.
Anyways... At least in relationship to the ex stuff, you should really let yourself feel these things without a reason! Feelings are irrational, or at least they have a rationale of their own, a methodology which is distinct from logic and ration. It seems like you feel really ashamed of how you're feeling... you shouldn't be! People enjoy little sweet moments that seem to last forever, even if they're in a sea of conflict or bullshit or... guys that suck. Perhaps the conflict that surrounds those moments makes them taste sweeter, or perhaps we long for those moments of conflict too, since at least conflict is a type of connection and intimacy, as compared to the absence of any.
You don't need to feel insecure in the fact that you want a partner and that you've learned that flying solo may not be the only way for you!!!
Anyways, sorry for yet another Lucy therapy comment
Waaaaghhh thank you for another comment!!! I tend to blow stuff up a lot and I don't really bother pushing for a false social harmony especially if it's hurting someone regardless on whose end it is. I really don't understand people who know their situation is bad and then choose to sit in it. I've never been the type of person to want to dwell. I was told once that I constantly complained without doing anything about it so it pushed me to change the best I can. I still have limitations, but if it weren't for the amount of fight I have, I would be nowhere at all!!
I want people to prove to me that they can physically be there for me too!! When I said that I wasn't gonna come back down anymore, one of my responses I got was "I hope that you aren't pulling the 'if they wanted to they would' on me because I'd feel really sad if you thought I hated you just because I never visited!" and I was like. Noooo. No I am definitely not doing that. I mean, I don't have to hate them, but I can still think "God it's SO annoying that if I ever want to hang out with my friends I HAVE TO PUT IN THE MONEY ALWAYS TO COME DOWN". I'd like for my friends to come see where I live, where I go to school, the cafe I frequent, etc. It's a nice change of pace!!
In terms of the ex stuff, I feel like it's less "I wish I had a romantic partner!" but moreso "I liked this guy specifically!!" I don't really feel any desire for a romantic partner in general to be honest. Zero desire to date mostly. I don't think it's just because of a "post-breakup blues" thing either. I think I just miss having stuff to look forward to for winter break. I've been stuck in my house a lot and I just had my plans cancelled today, so it's just been a lot of late night blogging, binge watching shows, and sleeping until 4PM. A lot of dates with him were easy-- they weren't super intensive, which I liked. He homecooked a lot of meals for me, brought me to cafes to watch things with him, or took me to museums because he knew I liked museums. I have a hard time getting used to routine again and haven't been doing too well mentally since the school semester ended. It was also a nice break from the hangouts my other friends take me on, because they usually go to the same place over and over again.
Closure's another big thing. I feel like I just simply didn't get a satisfying ending to everything. Even when I ended things it just felt so abrupt and that I'll never be able to go back and see if anything could have actually BEEN resolved. I wonder what would have happened if I waited two weeks or something? I have to rationalize it to myself that I technically already gave the opportunity to make things up to me and I got the whole "woman moment"/"I was burnt out anyways", so maybe I just have a hard time accepting that's my closure.
It's also difficult accepting that he's probably doing SUPER well mentally now that I'm no longer there to tell him to get it together. The women he's friends with also probably don't care about him bringing up a period as an excuse to not talk to his girlfriend. I think I'm upset about the concept of a supposed progressive man who's friends with a lot of women (both cis women and transfems alike) defaulting to his factory settings when it comes to me specifically.
Maybe I'm just mad because in my brain I've created a scenario where the people who pissed me off and treated me like ass are living their best lives with friends and family, probably shittalking me, and I'm not in a position to be able to do the same. Maybe what this really boils down to is me essentially going ANYONE WHO WAS MEAN TO ME IS NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE FUN BECAUSE I'M NOT HAVING A GOOD TIME! PEOPLE I DON'T LIKE NEED TO BE EXPLODED WITH MY MIND!
Anyways TY for the Lucy Therapy Comment™, they're always a delight to read. I can't wait to go back up north and have ACTUALLY fresh air, the sight of the pretty autumn leaves, and sidewalks to walk on!! There are NO sidewalks where I live and the air is hot all the time because of car smog. Thankfully I won't spend a lot of time down here!!
by Sinclair; ; Report
Hehe you're welcomeee!! I also do. I recall getting into a fight with my dad for two hours straight and then proceeding to get into a fight with my mom for two hours straight immediately afterwards. Might've been an unironically traumatizing moment for me, but also I think exemplifies the fact that I will keep fighting people forever. I'm in it for the struggle!!! I think part of why I became like this is because I felt like I was too quiet whenever I was younger, let things pass that I shouldn't have, so now I'm confrontational as fuck.
Yes, for me its always very telling whenever people only want *you* to put in the effort, but can't be bothered to do the same themselves. I always take that as a pretty serious suggestion of what the relationship must be like.
Hmmm, okay okay. I guess what I mean more so is that, even if you don't want another partner, you still have that craving for what your ex was, and you're beating yourself up about it because you seem to feel you shouldn't really want that in the first place, but you should be more accepting of yourself!!! Even if consciously you can acknowledge they were shitty, you should accept yourself in what it is you miss and crave.
I do understand liking the easy dates and nice little interactions. I have a number of friends that I go on lil dates like that with. It isn't always my favorite because a lot of them don't feel as deep and meaningful as I might like sometimes, but I do enjoy them. I also sometimes go on museum dates, but I swear everyone always walks through way too fast!!! They never read any of the history or context included next to the items!!!!
Yeah... men like that don't tend to leave you with meaningful closure unfortunately.... That does piss me off, performative men are shit! I hate that! This is why I'm so goddamn discerning about them, a lot of them are not as progressive as they act the moment the ball drops. But also thats real, I also want to blow up my enemies with my mind. Particularly when they are performative left-wing men and their blind followers.
You're welcome for your dose of Lucy Therapy. And you're always welcome to it!!! Either way, glad you'll be in a better space, even if just physically, soon enough.
by LuciLucilia; ; Report