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i haven't felt unstable in a while. i was coping fine, making money and getting good grades, feeling happier. this definitely threw me for a loop.
on one hand, it sounds lovely. it sounds like you are growing in ways that i couldn't help you realize, ways that professional help could. and in that sense, i'm happy for you and your growth.
but on the other hand, i wish i was worth that healing. i wish it didn't take me leaving in order for you to realize what you had truly done, and the impacts of it all. i wish i didn't have to repeat myself and my needs over and over both to you and the mirror. i felt like i didn't matter, that i was less than. i felt worthless and monitored and scared. and now i have to work on healing myself.
the people closest to me warn me of manipulation as you don't admit to specific things, and when i read that message, that's what i'm afraid of too. i'm afraid that this is just another way that i will experience pain. all of the memories of not being listened to, fighting constantly, the experience with my body, the way you spoke to me on the phone after drinking, and the way you treated my heart and soul, they all remind me that the experiences i had were very real and very painful. they make it hard for me to trust a thing you say.
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