blue

This will be the last time i add dents to my skin contain the anger i feel. Its almost as if i can't control myself anymore, my hands go stiff and the next thing i know im at it again. It takes all there is in me to keep my cool but the one instance of me not doing so has me landed in an even worst spot.

Aftercare is embarrassing, cleaning up the mess i made is embarrassing, the lies i tell are embarrassing. Most of all, how utterly powerless i feel is fucking embarrassing. Rationality ceases to be, i am blinded my hate.

Deal with the sting and try not to remember 

i taint myself and call it coping, as if it helps even a bit. It doesn't. All i am doing is giving myself reasons to hate myself more, proof of my instability. 100 times maybe less, maybe more.

but surely this is the end. This can't get worst because i know i will not let it. Its not like ''myself'' to let someone suffer. My spoilt attitude shouldn't disrupt this peace any further, this peace i have strived so hard for.  

i will be pure and i will be clean.