This is a letter and I have nowhere else to put it

Yesterday when I was in surgery and losing my consciousness,I was thinking about you.I was thinking about how I was with you and wondering why you felt that I was not worth the effort anymore. Why did you not like me anymore and was it easier to like her rather than me. I was and still am hard to deal with I know but why could you not bear with me just a bit longer and I would have stopped showing you the parts of myself that begged the world to forsake her and leave her alone despite her only desire being to be held close without any constraints or fear of abandonment. I would have been the girl you had ended up liking in the beginning, if you had shown just some care and empathy for the young girl in me who was starved for a love that would not ask her to hide herself. I could have been the woman you loved if you would have loved the woman in me that's trying to love herself. If only you could have waited for me for just some time I would have not been aching to feel the safety you once made me feel and blaming myself for showing you the parts of myself that I am most afraid to show to the world. If you could have been just a bit more gentler with me then I could have loved you in ways you can't even imagine and done anything and everything for you. I miss you so much and seeing you with her is a kind of hurt that I can't admit,even to myself. Since the day I got to know,I was afraid of losing you and now I've lost you and I was the one who let you go but you were not even holding the rope half as tightly as me when we parted ways and my index finger is still wrapped around the rope just in case you give it a tug. In moments of vulnerability I get this strong urge to ask you why ,but I can't do that to myself. But god do I ache to know why I was not enough for you,it eats me from inside and I can't help but feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with me that I can do nothing about that makes people leave me in such a subtle and slow withdrawal that I am always the one who has to let go of them in the end. Their silent retreatment,an extension of their uncertain feelings for me and their reconsideration about my worth in their life hurts more than an abrupt goodbye from their side would. It hurts to be the one who ultimately leaves despite every cell in my body yearning for them and wanting to be near them. Unfortunately my self respect is more important to me than any person ever will be but my heart and the ache in it is even greater than my self respect and ego and maybe that's the ultimate cause of my suffering.