Life has a funny way of making you face things..

I'm not the best with talking about my feelings, at least not vocally - I do far better with text. As I can get everything out without my voice breaking. ( Because even as I type this, I'm starting to tear up.. )

Pabu has been in my life for almost 11 years now. I've done my best to make him comfortable, loved and well spoiled. He wants for nothing. I have always given this precious nugget the best treats, toys and meals.

I know I've messed up a bit here and there due to the bad relationships I found myself in - along with the bad friendships as well. But I tried my best with what I had at the time.

This isn't about me though, it's about him.

He helped me in ways that I cannot fully bring to words without dropping to the ground and sobbing. Pabu gave me a reason to keep going when I had none. For that, I cannot begin to thank him enough.

This little guy got me out of my dark bedroom and brought color back to my world. He helped my disabled self smile and play when I thought it impossible to do so. We spent so many days in the backyard running around and rolling in the grass.

I was happy to take so many videos and pictures of him. He's very dear to my heart.

Right now, I feel like I'm failing him. He's suffering through cancer and all I can do is make him comfortable and give the meds the Vet provided. We can't do anything until he reaches a certain point health wise, due to laws. Which pisses me off, because I'm watching my boy suffer..

But the meds ease his discomfort and he is still actively playing, running around and eating. So that's a good sign. My Fiancée told me ( as she has experience in a pet passing ) when he stops accepting food and avoids playing, sleeping more….that's about the time we need to be seriously concerned.
She told me to make my peace with the situation. I'm trying my best to. But it feels unfair that I'm losing the one soul that has been with me through everything. Ten years is a long time, it's the longest relationship I've ever had.

I just want him to be okay and I don't see that happening. The Vet said his cancer metastasized into his lymph nodes and it's stage 4. There isn't anything else we can do except make him comfortable.

She's a nurse and even told me I need to start preparing myself for what's to come.

I lost my Dad to cancer and wasn't able to say goodbye to him. Now the same thing is happening to my dog. I fear that I'm going to wake up and he'll just be…gone. It's giving me serious anxiety - but this isn't something I can escape or run away from.

This shit sucks and I'm depressed.

I love my little man so much. We just spoiled him with a little bit of bacon ( the vet said, at this point anything we can get him to eat is fine. So please don't be upset or worried about that. )

He's sleeping, after being up half the night pacing around the bed. He wasn't able to get comfortable and kept "vocalizing". Again, another thing the vet said was normal, all elderly dogs in end of life care do this.

The poor baby has dementia and cancer, so his body is tired a lot of the time. He's trying to adjust to the changes happening. I just wish I could help him, but all I can do is arrange the pillows, allow him to settle on them and wrap the little guy up like a warm burrito.

I love you, Buddy.