I needed to vent..

Ah, nothing like the primordial rush of grief, anger and depression to make being awake so frustrating.

I'm dealing with the having to accept that my best friend is slowly dying of cancer/dementia. There's nothing I can do - and eventually I'll have to take him to the vet to be put down.

There's a lot that I need to feel before that time happens, because my Fiancée keeps warning me that Pabu might just "pass away" while we're sleeping or when I'm off cleaning/cooking something.

She said pets tend to not want to die around their owners. He's almost 11 and with his health issues it's a very real possibility. It was approached in a gentle manner, for that I'm grateful.

But the reality of it finally sank in today.

I'm either going to come back to the room to check on him ( he sleeps on the bed, on his favourite cow blanket a lot of the time now ) or I'm going to wake up and find him…

Death is something that has always followed me. So many family members have passed from cancer, drug over dose or just simply aging.

I never allowed myself to face it. The pain, and the loss of those situations. I ran from all those turbulent feelings. That can't happen anymore.

This is something I need to face. For both Pabu's sake and my own.

I'm just not looking forward to what comes after..

That overbearing silence.

He and I have shared a life for almost 11 years. He was always at my side. Experiencing life with me. Making memories…

I don't know how I'm going to handle it.