Dissociation talk + lore drop (was supposed to talk about meds)

(ok i'm just gonna put a thing here, idk if dissociation stuff or something akin to that can make people uncomfortable, but better safe than sorry, this does go into a bit of detail, so proceed with caution ig?)

I have 3 diagnosed disorders, only two can be medicated, and all require therapy. Guess who is given meds for only one of those and therapy for none :')

So i have antidepressants, which work fine i think, i haven't been taking them consistently, i can't focus or build routines. Which is why i need adhd meds, STAT. They tried some, didn't really work, because i have technically the less hyperactive version and instead the one that just gets stuck and overwhelmed easily, so add i think, but that doesn't get diagnosed anymore so it's just adhd now, which is inaccurate >:(

I need a stimulant, i wanna try adderall because i've heard good things about it. But it doesn't get prescribed here, we have a similar thing, but it's hard to get "BeCaUsE iT's AdDiCtIvE" bro... i need to live, give me the meth pill istg

Also it's such a low dose, i don't think it can get you hooked just like that, i feel like it's a risk for people who already have problems with that stuff or people with the addiction gene, which i don't really have. As much as i like drinking, i can always stop and it doesn't ruin my life, also i don't like smoking that much. Stuff that's supposed to be "addictive" i get bored of and just do something else for a while and then i might go back for a bit and then i leave again. I used to drink a lot more often at a point, now i don't really bother with it, but i don't turn down a chance to drink, also i just like a casual beer or cider, just because i like the strong stuff as well doesn't mean i have a problem. Usually i just wanna get a few beers and that's it. Video games are another thing, i play games in phases, so it's a cycle of what i wanna play atm. It was a problem in my early teens, when i was having horrible anxiety and stuff, and i would just play all day, and not wanna do anything else because if i started to think for even a second i would get physically ill. Now that i think about it, the nintendo switch that i got on the christmas of 2018 would genuinely change my life, not even joking. I got the console and mario odyssey for christmas, and after a while i wanted to play something else, so i got splatoon 2. Best decision of my life, when i tell you that i was obsessed, i mean it. And one day i would get an invite to a random lobby with voice chat, and there i would meet the online friend group that i would grow up with, for the next little over half a decade. (i did play games before this, this was just when i got into more competitive games and multiplayer)

2019 was a horrifying year for me, but it was a start of something new. I changed as a person after it, my mom doesn't really see me as the same person from before, and i can't really connect my old and new self either, we don't even look alike, which is the crazy part because that was me. Actually i don't recognize myself in photos sometimes, not even recent ones, sometimes there's just something wrong about me in them. I have talked with my psychiatrist about this, this is kind of a new revelation of mine, but it's most likely dissociation, which i have, so nothing new technically.

I really need to make like a evolution chart "The evolution of Diesel" it's funny, i've changed a lot. As said, i never really connect with my past, but sometimes i accept it, not really as a part of me but someone who was and still is important, to me and my family, i get called their name ever so often (i don't take offense, i kept the name as my second one out of respect) sometimes it feels like i had just another sibling, besides my sister. I also like to see it as a "moth situation" (when they change form) which is another reason i want the tattoo i talked about. It's technically all the same atoms and building blocks of the caterpillar that came before, but it's now a completely different entity.

There's a time that i don't remember that well, it's more of a blur with moments of clarity, and that was a few years before 2020, so i have an almost missing 3-4 year gap, and that is when i was the most volatile and unlike myself (incoherent speech and saying things that don't make sense at all, and physical aggression and paranoia), according to my family. And then i just changed completely, it wasn't as drastic as i described, but it was drastic enough for my parents to see it as somewhat abnormal. And photos and videos from that time make me so uneasy, it's the same way with some recent ones, they just feel wrong and i refuse to accept them as even someone i could be related to. My childhood photos are something i can look at, and as i stated before, i think of the person i was more like a sibling that doesn't actually exist, i recognize my smile and eyes. In the photos that i don't recognize, it doesn't look like me, they don't smile like i would and the eyes are just blank, you know when in anime a character loses their eyeshine thingy to convey negative emotions or mental instability, it's like that.

That's kinda all that i have today (sorry for the kinda unnerving topic all of a sudden, i assure you i'm pretty much alright atm)

I finally pulled an all dayer yesterday, may my sleep schedule be fixed (i'm writing this at 4am so idk, although i did sleep, because i went to bed at like 7pm and woke up little after 1am) 

To everyone reading, i wish you a good an whimsical december :D