borderline personality disorder: ran edition

i wanted to write this, not only for myself to document my experiences in the event i get a future therapist, but for others who may relate and may want to seek an official diagnosis or learn more or… really whatever. for context, i am an adhd + autistic asian american (specifically vietnamese-cantonese) in a very liberal state in america, and i consider myself a “quiet” borderline. your lived experience may be vastly different from me and i should not be taken as a monolith. i also started exhibiting behaviors akin to bpd when i was 10, whether you it was ebpd or me being an unfortunate child is not my concern.

disclaimer: in no way i am condoning any of my harmful actions. i support educated self-diagnosis (and i will not fight anyone on this because i’m laaaazy). i do not support the demonization of the other cluster b personality disorders. there will be mentions of various forms of self-harm (substance use, physical harm, starvation), suicidal ideation and attempts.

in assuming you (the reader) know what bpd is, i won’t give a basic description on what it is. i’ll break this blog up into 9 sections. each section will be a different criterion of bpd in the dsm5. although the dsm5 states you must have 5 of the 9 criteria to be qualified for it, i feel like it’s less of if i have it and more so exhibit mild/stronger symptoms. 

frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

i’ve consistently tested people without their knowledge to see if they ACTUALLY cared for me (going mia for several days, deactivating certain accounts but not all). if someone i’m testing doesn’t check in on me (which i consider an adequate response), it reaffirms my belief that they aren’t trustworthy and reliable and will harm me in the near or distant future. 

i think about when i begged my ex to not leave me, to not abandon me when she promised that despite my temperament, we can still work things out. i still beg even now despite how embarrassing and shameful it is. i feel disgusted having to ask for reassurance, because to me i’m a walking ball and chain.

a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

hellooo splitting! i’ve had four fps over my lifetime. from 5th grade-8th grade it was A (we are still friends!), from the beginning of junior year of highschool to the beginning of sophmore year it was K (ex-girlfriend, mutually blocked), and currently it is M and G (both are platonic fps). i couldn’t be happier to have them both in my life!

my platonic relationships have been extremely turmoil to say the least. with my previous major friend group from 8th grade-junior year, i felt devoted to them all. but just in that same day, i’d resent them. fortunately, my current friends are much kinder, and i find myself splitting less than i was as a younger teenager. but loneliness is still maddening, with a significant lack of emotional permanence i can’t stand living my days without hearing their voices or messaging them. as a college student, i’d see just how happy everyone is playing games while i’m stuck in school. it hurts so much, and i resent them a little more until i eventually play with them again. the cycle will inevitably repeat.

identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

this is a particularly strange one for me. though i do split on myself frequently, i’m assured in my interests, my identity as an inhuman landmine lesbian. however, i am deeply possessive over my interests, especially my fictional others and my kins. i do not like sharing, especially with strangers. i do enjoy talking and talking about my interests, but when people ACTUALLY get into them? now that’s where i begin to hesitate.

in my case, i fear people will claim they’re a bigger fan of medias i hold so dear to me, shun me in the process while stealing what little i already have. they’re an extension of me, and it feels like being robbed in daylight. is it unhealthy? sure, but i engage in a normal amount of gatekeeping every once in a while.

impulsivity in at least two potentially self-damaging areas (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

i have been an EXTREMELY reckless spender ever since i was in middle school. i’ve only been able to get a grip on my spending after i enrolled into college (after blowing $400 on jirai coords). i’ve struggled with bouts of binge eating + starvation since middle school as well. though, it was in part from bodyshaming from my aunt and because i never considered myself good enough for anything good.

i drink and take edibles rather infrequently. vietnam has a strong drinking culture which influenced my views on alcohol as a stress reliever rather than a plague to society. drinking unfortunately has a chance to make me further depressed rather than actually relieve stress. this doesn’t exactly help 16-17 me when i was drinking at every little misfortune that happened to me. i’ve only ever started ACTUALLY having weed this year, courtesy to one of my irls. currently, i’ve abstained from getting high until the semester ends because this degree’s not gonna get itself. once this semester’s over though, i have a pretty good suspicion that i’m just gonna get high every day until the spring semester starts.

recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

throughout my childhood all the way to high school, i’d constantly talk about how much i wanted to die. it was painful, i hated living with a burning passion and i genuinely did not plan on making it to college. ironically enough, i had some sense to only attempt suicide THREE times! as shamefully as it is, i’ve suicide baited way too much as a child. though, it was a plead for support and acknowledgement from the people around me.

affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and rarely more than a few days)

hello splitting (again)! i frequently bounce from apathy to extreme emotions all too quickly. especially when i’m on substances, i sink into an intense depression/euphoria i can’t escape from. it gets especially worse late at night. something about the time of day and the vastness of the night has me horrifically depressed.

i’m trying to think of other examples… but they aren’t really coming to me right now. maybe i just don’t notice it that well?

chronic feelings of emptiness

this is what i struggle with for the most part. as previously mentioned, i struggle with emotional permanence. it’s especially prominent with my online friends as i have near 24/7 access to them when i’m able to. if i’m not around people, i am nothing. think of it as a mirror, without a subject there is nothing to reflect back. this makes the loneliness worse, which fuels devaluation. my desire to be close to my close friends also make it likely for me to lose my identity in an attempt to conform with the standard.

inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

if there’s one thing about me you quickly will learn, is that i’m EXTREMELY prone to irritability and maintaining grudges. in my most recent years, i get extremely short with people if they’re hanging out without me (or even worse, not even bothering to inform me when i’m actually available to play). i do not tolerate any form of disapproval (unless we’re close) towards my especially major interests, let alone characters i’m heavily connected to (fictional others and kins).

for many people, this isn’t unwarranted or surprising to them. the intense anger often stems from trauma that the pwbpd is reminded of. but we all knew that, right?

i was never particularly the physical type (though i nearly threw someone into the train tracks in middle school because she stomped on my foot and called me a bitch, i also hit a guy because he told me my first fp would never love me. wow! a lot of things happened in middle school), i have always been more verbally aggressive. i’ve mellowed down somewhat, but once upon a time i’d have extremely intense arguments with people i loved. i don’t remember the context anymore, but i’d make sure to always have the last word in.

funny enough, i was going though old messages with a friend’s old acc + different friend’s old messages from 2021 and i was CRINGING the entire time. i was so unstable and aggressive it’s not even funny. like wow, i was unbearable as FUCK.

transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

this often occurs while i’m splitting (devaluation). i get extremely paranoid with people’s intentions which fuels my devaluation further, and often times i find myself in places i have no right being in because i just like “wake up” there. though. my worst incident would have to be the more recent ones. i broke out in hives (which NEVER happened ever), hallucinated mold on my body (which only ever happens when i’m splitting).

friends of mine may find me speaking strangely too, to the degree people can pick out what i say differs between everyone.

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thank you for reaching the end of this blog post. this may be edited depending on new developments! if you have any questions, feel free to leave a comment and i’ll get back to you when i’m not getting bum rushed by classes! may we hit remission soon lmao

- ran