maybe i will feel better after this

when i am alone i am terrible and ugly and a loser and i just need to take the chance, don't you know that but when i am with others i am just biding my time until i can be alone again. nothing makes sense nobody ever talks to me with emotion in their face anymore. when did that go wrong? where is that music coming from? i have been tired for weeks and i don't know why. i have been tired for weeks and that's why. i finally met the one who will fix me and get me an in to the scene today and i cannot just act normal and feel normal and feel happy. my therapist cancelled on me for a family emergency two weeks after she found out i'm the one in emergency. i have no friends. i have too many friends but they're not the right ones. jersey was fun but it didn't fix me, i've already known this. locations dont fix me. especially when i'm with someone from the house. i had cramps for the first time in my entire life today. nothing new has happened to me in years. every day for years has been something new. what am i? who am i? i know exactly who i am. when it comes down to it, i have no clue who i am. there is no end to this. why won't my head just shut up! there is a boy sitting right across from me and he has no clue what i put into this box. i cried for the first time in ages yesterday. it was from watching zootopia 2 with isabella. how stupid is that? a childrens movie is the reason i cried for the first time in months. who wrote my life? i want a word with them? look at that, he has left to take the train home in time and i am all alone finally but i am so alone i can hear the party in the other room and i am not there. i need to be there i need to be there but once i am in i cannot wait until i am alone i'm shivering i think i'm going to cry soon