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would people look at me with contempt if i told them that i have only kept living because of them. my mum doesnt really accept me but the main reason i havent killed myself is because she never had another kid, so i cant even leave her behind with any offspring that actually wound up right. as much as im not the kid she wants im still the only one and shes very attached to that. im still alive because i dont want my girlfriend to think i didnt love her, or she didnt do enough. shes always been enough. shes always far more than enough - its ME thats not enough, its my brain and its my heart that arent enough. sometimes when its been months since ive seen my friends and im getting so bad all i want is to hear them laugh - i think that its actually good that i havent contacted them because if i did finally off myself maybe they wouldnt even realise. maybe it wouldnt hurt so bad. maybe me withdrawing from everyone is the only way i can try and make this easier for everyone. yes ppl were worried at first but its long past that now and this is just the norm. i cant go out onto my street even to skate. i cant do it. i dont want to touch the light. this just keeps getting worse and worse no matter what i do. its just gets worse. thats all ive learnt. i dont work right. i dont work here.