About all

looking back at the last time of the year, I think that the things that have happened between then and now are different enough to be the natural process of things. I think it's finally the first year where I could say that wherever I look to and whatever I think of it doesn't matter because it didn't feel like a year and very honestly it was like every single month and time was blended out for me so whatever i remember is out of place and it doesn't matter because everything was like this sticky melting fever, so it truly doesn't feel like... time has passed

I think that everything's coming to the same thing again... it's nice to see celebrations. I've been lurking on this site for about a year now. I hope everyone is doing great. I think one of the nicest parts of this site is having met people and seeing that those people are doing great and doing their best in their own ways while also teaching valuable lessons back in what we wish to write out here. It's nice. 

But I really have developed a small trouble with time. Maybe it's the fact that everything was so uneventful and constant that there was nothing to specifically think of. Or just the huge unbridled trauma of it all really messes with your head. Need to practice on that neuroplasticity...

I really can say that it truly hasn't felt like it has been a year. A whole one. Not at all. There's so many times I find myself mixing events from 2024 and 2025 and not noticing it because everything became too complicated in the mind and I was heavily tired to try and process all the things. It catches me a little off-guard and makes me feel bleak, because it truly felt like most of the time could just be exchangeable between times and it wouldn't matter. Things feel weird, certainly, and the passage of time is just something that in my head almost becomes fascinating to how we grow up and change overtime. Given that I experienced the same load of shit or more than in the last year, not being able to feel like time has passed feels just about right. It could be like yesterday feels like today and tomorrow is like two days ago

So that's at least a first. Nice to have the experience of a first something. I used to think of that sometime ago, but I was like 'Hmmmmm I couldn't quite check this yet, doesn't feel like it...'

I am probably stuck in time. In those 4 or more months where what others could see of me. Or maybe not. It's not like nothing has happened. It has made me interested to look at things from before when you realize how things have changed. I feel like I just don't have the disposition or trials to even try and have a more cheerful or optimistic outlook anymore. Or to be cheerful and say to do my best. ...But I don't think that's a bad thing really. I've found myself more relaxed by the concept of having a quiet existence that you can met and just be relaxed enough with it to feel nice with life. Sometimes it felt like pushing things when trying to be cheerful and happy about things and like trying to force so much just for the sake of a better time.

But I think it can come. It's just that I realized that I'm better off letting everything flow through me and mixing and blending along with that in life. Is it that I became too carefree? What do you think you notice? It's like I just heard over again, don't have unrealistic expectations, and it will be the best for you. It's great in my eyes, not because it keeps it all predictable, it helps things feel less forced and more natural in the way time passes, and when you get used to the little enjoyable parts of life it's nice, so then when something unexpected, or out of the normal happens, it might feel even better...

Eventually I don't think I  just can label myself anymore or act a certain way. I can be without acting this way or acting the other. It was nice when I tried my 'best' in a more outwardly positive way, telling to try more and more, I know we all still do that and tell ourselves that. It was just impressive how long it held out to me after so much things breaking at your morale. It truly sounds like I have changed as if I just don't care about anything anymore but really I just found a more better way to process things and to navigate through life that fits my loose and honestly spacey way of being a lot (...so you get it... spaceyhey?? looollll x33)

I can try things. I think I can. I just think that I don't act so much restricted to a certain box or behaviors, and I've also discovered so much things and evolved and developed so much that it also feels nice. It's just that the pain hits you and destroys 3 to 500 muscles, all of your ribs and spine and possibly a leg. I've been left out without a whole forearm. 

I think it was softly amusing and nice to me to see myself from before giving myself these nice and soothing affirmations. 'Let's do our best' 'Let's try our hardest, even if that's not what we think it looks like'... things I still feel, just said in a different way. It was a warm manner to remember. Though of course giving your best could not be of so much help in the face of everything that has happened this whole year. Shock is so hard I can't even construct some coherent sentences at times lol

Things have definitely changed. Though all the change felt more slow and definitely crept up on you slowly and slowly. I think that the thing I can recognize the most is just how the output and outlook I had has entirely changed and shifted softly, and from back then to now it's like I found a natural pace between life and the slips of it to find myself and to be that naturally more and more... I can certainly say I mostly mind no more about other onlookers more than the spectacle I am doing for myself.

I'm going through courses of English to get a certificate btw. I'll keep working hard and trying my best. And It'll be so awesome to see everyone trying that too in all of their ways and with what is in their power. That feels cool. It's really awesome. 

So I guess that I can sum up my experience of life on everything that has happened to how I feel currently, quote by myself and someone else 

"I'm flowing, 

Where it's at the whim of the wind

That I love to wander"

So I guess that what I can say is, just don't worry about things too hard. It's not helpful, but just in the way that's enough for you to get through it. And then nothing else. Things have changed too much, I guess. Haven't we?

But I suppose that such a huge introspective comes from an airy person like me. We'll all keep trying our best, surely. 

I have nothing to say? I really forgot what else I really wanted to say, but I guess that I'll wrap it up by saying thank you spacehey, as it has became a meaningful place for me, and also the backlog of where a bunch of our diary archives rest at. Nice story.