child abuse

I know my mum used to hit me, a lot. I remember often being hurt and crying. It's weird. I only have few memories of her actually hurting me but they're quite blurry. I know I've been hurt but I have no proof as if nothin ever happened.

 I remember some details but not actual memories. I know I hated her. I love my mum now but sometimes I miss that time when she used to hit me. I feel like it made much more sense for me to be hurt. I miss the era where I knew why things hurt. Even if I was at my worst. 

Atleast I'd remember what had happened to me. I don't think anyone who hasnt been through that can really understand it. 

My best friend, I love her very much but each time I would bring this up whether it was during that era or after well she never seemed, no one seemed to understand how horrible it was. One day she introduced me to a friend of hers by saying "her mum beats her up" I was so ashamed.

 I don't understand why people normalize something that hurts so much. It still hurts. I used to feel betrayed by my mum every time she would hit me. It hurt so so much. I feel like i've been through something horrible, a living hell but I don't remember much of it and when I do I just want to cry or straight up start shaking and crying like a baby.  Maybe I'm overly sensitive which is the case actually 

But I never felt like anyone took me seriously. Like no one understood how much it used to hurt. How much it still hurts. How deficient I am because of it. I know it impacted me greatly as a child because I used to also hit my baby dolls. I would tell them "I'm sorry I have to hit you but it's your fault, you're not behaving well".

I wish my mum never did that to me so I wouldn't have to be in so much pain each time I remember my childhood and especially I wish she never did this because no matter how much I insist on how it impacted me people either don't understand or think it was something normal, bearable.