Spending Thanksgiving alone in your old apartment and thinking "wow it shouldn't be this way but it is for me!"

I had this really palpable Thanksgiving day mental turmoil that I wish I didn't really have. And the rest of this blogpost I guess is emo as hell, but you already know why I'm here!! #worldisafuck

I don't have a problem being alone typically, but I guess the combination of everything that's happened over November, alongside my relationship with family and everyone else really made that day and the days following it all that more miserable.

Everyone has family to go back to. I thought a lot about how people have dinners with their family, smiling and laughing at a Friendsgiving party, just having people to see. Good food to eat. A little less than a week ago, my parents told me they didn't want to visit me for Thanksgiving anymore because they didn't feel like it. I just went "alright, fine". Because what else can you really say to that? I kind of expected it from the onset. They tend to flake out on these kinds of things. Not really much worth in dedicating a trip up north to see your daughter. 

I didn't have the energy to make something fancy for myself as a form of self-celebration. I made a simple pasta and then ate it alone in my living room. It's not like I'm actually a really big Thanksgiving guy anyways. My apartment's old and not well lit. It was kind of like eating a bit in the dark. I didn't really have anyone else but myself. I don't think I really need company to be happy, but I guess the expectation of having family to go back to and comparing myself with others made me a lot more melancholic than I wanted to. 

I woke up today with the two people I burnt bridges with in less than a week leaving all the group chats that were made. I don't blame them, why would you want to stay there anyways? But it reminded me of the fact it happened so fast and that these people didn't want to keep me in their lives. It sucked. Someone who I built a steady friendship and relationship that I gave a chance to reconcile with who told me "well you're on your period and also I got tired of you a few months ago anyways" is now probably having a great time with a loving family. Someone who told me that I was mean and controlling for expressing concern for their seemingly self-destructive choices just cut me off formally and is also probably laughing and celebrating with loved ones. 

You can't really tell people to fix their problems anymore. As much as I am an advocate for mental health, sometimes I feel like a lot of people use it as a crutch. People wallow in their own misery now more than ever. It's hard to tell people "no yeah it's totally okay to not want to do your work or go to school because you simply don't feel like it", or "no it's actually my fault that this comedy tv show that you chose to watch with me and didn't tell me it bothered you until a couple days after triggered your "depressive spiral" yeah thats totally fair and also my fault" when all my life I got told that crying was embarrassing, that I was hysterical for any thoughts remotely adjacent to ending it, that all my problems were my fault, that I was selfish for wanting more out of my life, and that I was lazy/embarrassing.

Lots of people praised me for turning out the way that I am. A lot of people know me as having this "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" attitude, that I'm able to get over things quickly, that I have a shocking amount of gumption, mental fortitude-- that I'm able to be strong despite the circumstances. But I've been having a hard time getting out of bed, wanting to shower, wanting to leave the house, wanting to do work, wash dishes, anything. It's hard to tell people that because it's a mood killer and I don't want to complain for the sake of complaining. So I have this profile on Spacehey that my friends don't know about. 

For the past month, I haven't really wanted to get out of bed. But I force myself to do it anyways. I make myself a cup of tea or coffee everyday, just like I always do. I try to spend time with my friends online when I can because I can't physically see them in person yet. I draw things that make me happy and take pictures of nature on days I force myself to get dressed and go outside. I walk to the café I always go to and tell the owners who ask me how I'm doing that I'm tired as always! Haha! Yeah! Working hard! My usual white mocha with one of those pistachio cakes again please! Thank you for taking care of me! Wow the Christmas decorations are out this early?

As I walked back home, I thought about how I'm gonna have to come back home for winter break. My mother told me she didn't want to see me. It made me think again about how it's normal to have family to go back to. My brother gets to spend time with family and he has the world at his fingertips. I'll have to stay at a friend's apartment again for winter break. I kept thinking to myself that it shouldn't have to be this way but there's nothing I can do about it. Not everyone gets to have a biological family that wants them around. I have friends that can take care of me and that's my only solace. But why does it have to be that way?

Sometimes you spend your Thanksgiving alone in your old apartment and think wow "it shouldn't be this way but it is for me!". And the people in your life that made you feel like shit are having a ball without you. And then your parents who think of you as evil and selfish can relax knowing they don't have to care so deeply about their evil bitch daughter.

And then life moves on!