Please, let me be someone else

There hasn't been a day in my life i haven't wished to wake up as someone else. One of my earliest memories is of 7yr old me kneeling right next to my bed praying to wake up anew and better. I've always been tired of myself, can't even begin to imagine what the rest may feel like. I feel so selfish for it, i know i'm draining and not much fun but i still want to hang out with my friends, greedily leeching off of their happiness to try and fill the gapping void in my chest.

I try to be my best self (most of) the time (that is when i'm not being consumed by depression). I don't want to be the angry friend, i don't want to be annoying, i don't want to be loud. I hate being a bull in a china shop. I hate the way i talk, the way i laugh, how loud my voice is, how lame my jokes are, how my life seems to be a parade of disgraces, the way my presence seems to darken the mood. I wish i could be full of joy and whimsy but at this point im just a bitter bastard trying her damn best to try and appear somewhat happy so my friends won't see how deeply my suicide tendecies run and how fucking tired i am of existing.

I hate how i try to make myself small and yet it seems like it's never enough. I'm constantly surveying my attitude and tone and shit to keep myself in check, so much so that even being high as i kite or drunk as fuck i still can't seem to lose consciousness because the worst thing that could happen to me would be to let my annoying self be set free. I try to be nice and gentle, funny and considerate, i try to help my friends when they need it and i try very hard to be there for them if they need me even if i don't really know how to because i never had someone do that for me, emotionally stunted bitch that i am. This isn't to say i do this because i expect something in return, i do it because they're people i love and i want to see them well, but it's like i'm not allowed to be anything but the angry friend.

Fuck me man is that all that i am? Angry and bitter? I try so hard to see good in life, i don't believe half of it because to me nothing is worth 12 years of consecutive suffering but i try regardless. It's so frustrating that, no matter how hard i try, i'm always being defined by the very thing i hate the most about myself. Me and my big fucking feelings and my inability to reign them in.

I know i have anger issues. They weren't lying when they say there will always be an angry man if you grew up with one. I'm simultaneously the beat up kid who grew up with an angry parent AND the angry parent. I think you can get why it may be so frustrating and confusing.

I hate my parents for making me this way, i see myself in them at my worst moments and i want to carve those parts out of me with a spoon. I hate being angry, i let things and people walk all over me because i don't want to be perceived as an angry person and yet. And yet.

I wish someone would acknowledge this huge effort i put into being nice and social (if it deserves any acknowledgement at all), i don't want a prize i don't want an ovation. I just would like someone to tell me if my efforts actually mean something, if i can still be nice despite being so rotten on the inside. If there's still hope for me. If i'm deserving of love. Being helpful is my way of justyfying my place in this earth but how good of a help am i anyways?

I have this phrase in my head, my favorite literature teacher once said it to me when i was 8 i think and ever since then it's been stuck in the front of my head, reminding me of who i am. The phrase went "i feel so bad for the people in your life" i was being an annoying little cunt and very well deserved to be put back into place, but the words stung anyways. I remember it was reading time and i was trying to ask her if i could read another book because the one she had given me was boring. I remember the entire class laughing like it was the best joke ever. I remember the shame i felt that day and has followed me ever since. The rest is a blur but those 10 seconds are forever ingrained in my head because it felt like the world itself had stopped. It's very much an open wound, not because she was being mean but because how true it was. Like being open in half and exposed for everyone to see.

I need to stop pitying myself, it's my own fault being this way and it's entirely in my hands the option to change and be better, just can't muster the energy for it anymore. My friends made an award show to give eachother prizes for shit we did in 2025 and i got two, award to the most hater and another one for utter despair (the literal name of the award) so that's a super helpful insight into how they see me. I made the error of questioning whether it's true that i'm such a hateful person only to get a resounding yes. I wanted to walk out there and then. I wanted to walk in front of the subway that's near my house. Very much thought about doing it for real before getting to my apartment, but i had promised a friend a place to sleep and my dog was waiting for me to come back and feed her.

I hate myself so much i wish i could climb into the mirror and throttle myself to death. No one likes me, not even myself. How fun is that.

What even is the point.