tattoos? (hell yeah if i wasn't broke)

So for a while now, i've wanted to get some tattoos... but i have been putting it off because of the pain and costs. Now i feel like i could actually get some, since i'm pretty resilient apparently and also swimming in it (not really, kinda unstable financial situation atm but there's no better time to spend money than when you got none)

I have a few specific ones and then one that i need to think about a bit more. The one i want the most is quite personal in a lot of ways. I'm gonna list all of them here from absolutely necessary to something that's just aesthetic.

The first one is a moth tattoo, specifically the 'acherontia atropos' so the death moth basically (wow edgy) BUT i have a reason and now i will go on a long-winded trauma exposition, strap in. Ok so, i was afraid of death to a point of panic attacks for the first 10 years of my life, wouldn't stop thinking about it, and this was one of the reasons i couldn't sleep properly. But then started a sort of a transitional period in my life where i wanted nothing more than to just cease to exist. I won't describe how bad it was or how far or close it was but i will tell you that i was in a closed ward for a bit after that. I did get somewhat better, i am now at a point where i want to live, and i want it desperately. But i just can't do it properly, it's like being stuck in a frozen lake and seeing the warm sun through the ice, it's so close but you can't reach it and you can't take a breath. Anyway it's been a long process, i didn't change my tune as soon as i got out of the ward, it took years and there's been steps back, and it's far from over, but i've made it this far. And that's kinda why i want the tattoo, to me it means going towards the light even when your whole existence is branded with death. I am also a death positive person, which means (to me atleast) accepting it's inevitability, i don't really fear it anymore or atleast to the point that i did as a kid. Or atleast my own death, everyone around me better be immortal istg :') There are also other reasons, but they're more silly ig, my family associates me with moths and also my grandma told me that i look like a moth (this was because i had funny eyebrows at the time, it was 2020 and everyone and their dog had those little pointy eyebrows) another reason is that moths and butterflies change their form, and i feel that does encapsulate me pretty well. Then there's the fact that the atropos moth is considered to be an omen of bad luck and my lucky number is 13 so there's also that.

The next one is technically two or more but i'm gonna put them all here because they're all related to my family. So the first one is a swift (the bird not the private jet chick) so this one is significant because it's my grandma's favorite bird, and there used to be so many at our house, they lived under the roof paneling or something, and in late spring when summer was close you could see and hear them just flying around our house. (we lived in a shared house, so there was two apartments in one house and my family lived on one side and my dad's parents lived on the other side) That's the only reason i want one, nostalgia and sentimental reasons, but i feel like that's later, as a memory. The other one is a compass/nautical star, idk which one. "But Diesel you're not a sailor, why do you wanna get tattoos like that?" You are correct i am not a sailor, but my dad is, and so is someone else that i am close to. Idk about the nautical star because that's also a lesbian thing and i am also not a lesbian (i do fancy women, obviously) but i know that tattoos can have multiple meanings and also i think placement matters, so i will do more research about that. But yeah it's the same reason i want the compass, so i don't lose my way and i know to return home safely (cheesy ik ik, but a guy in my situation needs something like that) 

The last one is the most dumb one and i will most likely not get it, buuut i have been thinking about a tramp stamp... How scandalous D: But in all seriousness, i think they just look awesome, that's it. No idea what design to go with, which is actually the problem i have with all of these, i can't settle on a style, because i want them to be cohesive.

Now about placement! I know the moth tattoo goes little bit below the back of my neck, somewhere there, hard to describe. The nautical star/compass i'm gonna have to figure out, and the tramp stamp is pretty obvious.

That's about it, i would like some fandom and video game tattoos but ehhhhh, idk. Am i gonna like those forever?  And they don't feel that personal, although i might get something really lowkey if i become insane enough. This will definitely age like milk when i get a fandom tattoo, it's just a matter of time.

I would like to wish a very pleasant evening to all who are reading <3