Parental issues and such + mandatory rambling

This is gonna get a bit sad an pathetic probably but idc at this point.

I genuinely hate when i just get this feeling of just wanting to be held. Hey that's pretty normal right, most people like physical contact like that, it's reassuring and calming. But for me specifically i want to be held by one of my parents, i don't care which one, probably mom, i feel like she didn't really do that much when i was a kid, i probably didn't really want to anyway back then, we didn't get along that well. My dad was the more cuddly person i guess, not like mom never was like that, she probably actually was, i just don't really remember her that well, or anything nice that she ever did. But yeah, also this feeling is probably pretty normal as well, especially for new adults i guess, but it feels humiliating because i'm almost 20 and i'm supposed to be figuring stuff out and stop being childish.

And it has to be one of my parents, i don't wanna be held by a friend or a hypothetical partner right now.

This is genuinely so buns, because now i just feel stupid. Because a part of me wants to be postive and 'woke' with "crying is alright, it doesn't make someone pathetic" and that's how i feel about others, but because i genuinely hate myself in some degree i won't accept my own emotional struggles as just a part of being human, instead i make it out to be some sort of a failure in my character. 

I hate being an adult and i hate what i became, i remember having so many dreams about the future and now i genuinely don't even wanna think about tomorrow. I was supposed to go to college, an international one, i was supposed to be a marine biologist or something, and i was supposed to move to canada. I've dropped out of college twice now, i genuinely have no idea what i even wanna study anymore or let alone what job i want, and moving abroad is definitely not on the menu because i can barely hold off on my own in a different city than my family, let alone a different continent.

I talk about my family a lot, and the question probably is rn that why i don't just move back in with my dad or mom or something, because we get along. As much as i love them, i can't stand living with any of them. 17 years of that was enough, i'm not going back even if it kills me. Also i'm pretty much erased from their lives in that regard, if you went to my childhood home, you'd see that there's no evidence that i ever lived there. My sister's room is still there, mine was converted into a living room (i'm not bitter about this, there's a genuinely a good reason for this as well, and that is that my sister doesn't live completely on her own yet, she lives her summers at home, i live alone full time and have for a couple of years) also this sounds like there's nothing from my childhood, there is in fact evidence of my parents having two kids instead of just one, there's pictures and some of my old school projects and stuff, so i will stop with the "spoiled brat and hated child" propaganda (elite ball knowledge required to understand that btw, i hate myself for making that reference lmao)

i'm again feeling better after just writing, journaling is like heroin to me at this point, i can just talk and talk (write) and it doesn't matter, and this genuinely makes me less stressed. FUN FACT idk if i've mentioned, probably have, i like writing!

Ok chat we're so back, i feel better now, yay :D

I'm gonna sprinkle some hope at the end as always. I wanna live, and i know i can, i just gotta figure out how that's gonna be possible. I gotta figure out the win condition (kill me) also i have friends, not a lot but it's about the quality of the idiots and weirdoes that i hand out with not quantity. And i have hobbies and interests, i just gotta find the energy to actually spend time doing them. I did start watching anime again, ik such a big step towards a better and healthier life, but at this point anything is better and more stimulating for the brain than doomscrolling and sleeping. Also quite excited for my birthday, 20 is a big number and i can finally get above 20% alcohol, so big news for alcoholics ig. There's two drinks i specifically want and those are the 'koskenkorva salmiakki' and 'koskenkorva ginger' because i know i can make some evil potions with those :D 

That's about it, i'm gonna eat something and dye my hair a bit more, because i'm not stopping until all of it is dead.

Evil night to all who are reading <3