drug abuse relapses

I dealt with a lot of drug abuse in high school with tramadol, xanax, & marijuana. It was my only coping mechanism I had at the time cause I refused to continue cutting myself. 

I stopped over the summer and it got so much better, but with stress of any kind will cause a relapse and I've been getting into my old habits and struggling with depression again. 

I lately feel like i'm to reliant on my boyfriend as if I haven't always been reliant on him. its because we are dating now and I dont wanna be a toxic girlfriend, but he has Always been there for me so I trust him with my whole heart. I just wanna get better so I can be better for him too. 

I've been distancing from my friends again due to the drug use because old friends of mine would call me toxic or straight up say "you're gonna kill yourself" and walk away like damn ok. so I have a hard time talking to friends because of this. I dealt with it for so many years its hard to get out of that mind set that any friends new or not will treat me just as my past ones did and which I Know they wont but the Fear Is just so Strong #traumaOrSomething. 

I talked to a friend tonight about it and she reassured me telling me that it's okay to take baby steps when it comes to reconnecting with friends when I'm struggling and that helped a lot. I feel so much better being able to just come to them being like "hey I relapsed" and they are just like "okay how can I help" instead of "you're gonna ruin your body if you do that" like! yay! I love having supportive friends! yet! so scary! 

currently in the animation lab and having fun. we aren't talking but even just being in the presence of my friends is enough comfort for me rn. I love my friends. I love my boyfriend. Life is hard right now, but in the end it will be ok. and if its not ok, then its not the end.