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[TW: death, liking a boy when ur 16, the name "Wyatt"]
Preface: I was 16 when I wrote this. I was and remain a dramatic diva
[Untitled. Likely April 28, 2019]
Rejection. It sucks.
I wish Wyatt would just openly reject me at least. Instead of just leaving me and my anxiety to run buck wild. I wish . he would just man up and reject me. I will just ignore him. I will make it easy for him, he won’t have to do it. This is dumb. No one will ever like me, no boy will ever want to be in a relationship with me. There must be something wrong with me. I will never find my prince, I will never meet a boy who really likes me. All I want right now is to know why Wyatt changed his mind. To know why he hates me. To know what it is that boys don’t like about me. I hate myself, I feel very little self worth “validation doesn’t come from others.” “Validation doesn’t come from others.” My parents always say that I am beautiful but no one ever makes me feel that way, no one will ever really value me. No one will ever fall in love with me, I mean how could they, I don’t even like myself! Ugh, I hate high school. It really sucks a lot. I hate life. I want to die, because what I want isn’t really possible.
April 29, 2019
Overall frustrated with life. I was looking at wheels on a big 18 wheeler today, and just all I could think about is the sweet relief that I would feel if they ran over me. My bones cracking and popping as the tires scroll over my body. I would feel better with every snap of my bones. My neck, pop, my jaw, pop, my knees, snap. Sweet release with every bone. Blood sprawling over the ground. I shrink back into the crevices of the earth, and find peace. I want to just be dead sometimes. I don’t know.
April 30, 2019
Sucks. My first heartbreak I guess. There’s so much I wanted to do. Have my first kiss. Hold hands for the first time. Meet the parents for the first time. Fall in love. Wyatt Billy Jackson, I’ve written you letters that I guess you’ll never get to read. Maybe one day, as a joke, I’ll give them to you. How ironic that we were talking for officially a month as of today. I vow to never like a person again in highschool. I can openly say, that this is the first moment I have ever cried over a boy. I wish things had turned out differently, but I can’t change his mind. I wonder if he’ll ever know how much I really liked him. I need to let my heart be guarded by iron gates, flowers may grow beyond it but I never want my heart to bloom, never will it feel the sunshine of love.
March 30, 2019 – April 30, 2019
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Will of the Jungle
I often think back to how raw and important everything felt in highschool. The idea of falling in love seemed so important, and yet the mechanics of it were so nebulous. I felt unlovable for quite awhile, as though beyond my outermost veneer, I was in some way repulsive, or not worth investing in. Im sorry t hear you had such a macabre atraction to being run over by a truck, although when I feel very low, I wish I could just be publicly flogged to pay for my shortcomings, rather than have to sit with them. Its funny that we have to live through such times, and that they are a part of us. smooches.