Before the Fall

Idk, it’s like I always have this feeling

That you’ll get tired of me someday.

Not even because of something you do,

Just my own stupid brain acting like

I’m a thing people eventually drop.

I start imagining it already 

You looking at me one day

And something in your eyes just… shifts.

Like when your favorite shirt

Doesn’t feel the same anymore

But you don’t wanna say it out loud

Because you remember loving it once.

And I hate that I even think like this,

But it happens before I can stop it.

My mind jumps ahead

And starts writing the breakup scene

Even though we’re nowhere near it.

I picture myself pretending I’m fine,

Trying to smile,

Trying to act normal

While something inside me folds in on itself.

And the worst part is

I rehearse it.

Like I’m preparing for an impact

That hasn’t even been thrown at me.

I imagine the silence,

The distance,

Your replies getting shorter,

Your voice sounding a little less warm,

You pulling away so slowly

That I’m the only one who notices at first.

And I keep telling myself

“stop, it’s not happening,”

But the fear sits there

Like some annoying background noise

I can’t mute.

It’s not loud enough to break me,

But it’s always there,

Buzzing under everything good.

I hate that I’m like this.

I hate that loving someone

Aytomatically makes me picture the ending.

Not because I want it 

God, no 

But because I’m scared

You’ll wake up one day

And realize I’m not what you thought.

Not enough,

Not easy to love,

Not something you want to hold onto anymore.

And the stupidest part?

None of this is real.

Not right now.

But the fear feels real anyway,

Like a hand on my shoulder

Reminding me not to get too comfortable.

-dmnd