finding god

i found [G-O-D].

i mean, i don't believe in "god" and i've talked about this at length (Higher Power, an atheist walks out of a bar). but i found out something new that sort of blew my mind.

i live at the intersection of Juggalos and Alcoholics Anonymous, both of which encourage members to find some sort of idea of God or Higher Power. and it occurred to me recently, that despite looking for god most of my life, i consistently find myself a part of communities that have specific beliefs and traditions surrounding god. even when i was in The Satanic Temple, i was around a bunch of people who found god, but they found god lacking and therefore abandoned the idea for a new sense of Higher Power: the sanctified self.

now, i don't worship myself, but i believe in myself. my Satanist roots would have me believe that it's my responsibility to practice some sort of self-deification. if anything, i believe my job is to canonize myself. i can't actually become a god, but i can become a sort of a saint in my own right.

i think this is the point of redemption, especially through a 12-Step approach. if i strive every day to be a better version of myself, then i've found a Good Orderly Direction (G-O-D).

i would say the healthiest i am is when i'm actively praying (setting affirmations), meditating, and staying in touch with recovery. in fact, the less i do these things, the less "good" i feel. it's been about two weeks since i have been praying, months since i meditated, and i'm starting to slack on my programs.

i was in a Juggalos In Recovery meeting a few weeks ago and someone said, succinctly, "The Carnival provides." that was their interpretation of Higher Power through a 12-Step lens, as a Juggalo. and it's made me reflect on the fact that, the more i've been getting back in touch with ICP's music and immersing myself back into the culture (both on YouTube and in my daily life) i've felt... different. i've felt better. i've felt... more like my self.

i haven't actually found Capital G, but i find myself surrounded by people who believe, and that's comfortable in an interesting way. i'm not going to convert to anything, but i definitely feel like i am in better hands this way. i'm in several communities that show me love in ways i haven't experienced, and i continue to show up for myself despite the rut i was in. and i know why i was in that rut. it's because i lost faith in myself.

today, i have faith. i have faith that i haven't found God. instead, i found Good Orderly Direction. i find myself being maybe one of a small handful of Juggalos in San Francisco, and that's okay too. at least, i haven't connected with many folks online, whom are here. i'm sure there are more than i'm thinking.

so what's next? whatever i want, of course. i'm gonna keep doing what i do best, and that's surviving. i push forward, i carry on, and i get my shit right. even if not on the first try, it happens eventually.

it all works out in the end.