I have beef with the world, now listen to me complain about it

So life's not going great, like usual. But i started thinking about it, and i genuinely don't know if it's my fault.

Everyone else recovers at some point, and they have something that drives them forward, something they like and care about. I guess i have that as well? But it's always drowned out by indifference, i am not a nihilist, and the concept of giving up disgusts me. But i'm so tired, and just empty. I try to do things that i enjoy, i really really really like drawing and writing, but i never feel like anything i make is really good enough, but i enjoy it regardless, and sometimes they're good enough for me and that makes me the happiest. Sometimes i feel like i never do anything for myself (lie) but i have started to like my own company a lot more since moving out, i look like myself now too, or atleast what i want to.

I guess i just have really bad anxiety about the future, mainly school and work, because i don't participate in either right now. And there's a bunch of statistics about people with my conditions not being able to work a stable and fulfilling job ever, so that kinda sucks to think about. 

But i have hope, and that is medical treatment. Because the thing is that we actually don't know what's wrong with me, outside of the obvious neurological anomalies. Where i live adderall is not a thing, there's similar stuff but i don't think i've been given any, so i looked up some alternatives and i'm gonna present my findings to my psychiatrist tomorrow.

I also took some tests (which mean nothing) but i have concerns about symptoms that haven't been looked into. Mainly the fact that i have depression but the cause is unknown, i think. I have a suspicion that it's somehow bipolar, it explains a lot and i relate to the experience that people with the disorder have talked about. I've been described as moody and temperamental all my life, which i always attributed to me being an aries (yes i like astrology, hang me if you must) but it's more than likely to be a serious mental health matter rather than planetary stuff tbh (not discrediting astrology, but it's better to seek help than just accept misery as an inherent characteristic of a person)

That brings me to my next point, which is that people just accept life as it is. Which pisses me off more than anything else to be completely honest. I refuse to believe that 9-5 dead end job and a miserable marriage is what is supposed to be normal and desirable, fuck no. I wouldn't mind getting married at some point, but it better be a person i would die for and not someone i settle for out of fear of being alone or because my parents keep pestering me about having kids.

Call me stupid but i believe in true love, there i said it. And i'm not saying there's one person out there, no, none of that soulmate bs, i'm talking about the fact that love is an inherent and important human emotion that has been twisted into something else. Maybe i'm just weird, but dating isn't really an end goal for me, it's nice and all, but loving someone can be platonic or something else. And i still feel the strongest connections with friends, that might be because i haven't dated much if at all, but still. So to my previous point, true love can be platonic, and we should stop putting dating on a pedestal because it only leads to pressure that causes people to rush into incompatible relationships, and start dating when they're not ready. Also people are horrible and transactional when they talk about or describe dating, or atleast whenever the topic comes up on social media. Which has led me to the previous conclusion that these people don't even like each other, which is hilarious and terrible, mostly terrible. Then there's the constant expectations and guidelines of what a relationship is supposed to be, and don't even get me started on those "theories" and "rules". Sometimes i'm so glad to be single, although cuddles would be nice, but finding someone who wants to cuddle a dude like me is difficult (this honestly might be just me being antisocial and not because anything about me is inherently repulsive, because i have a surprising amount of friends and i get hugs, which always catches me off guard) i'm just a bit odd and awkward, so talking to others especially in the context of dating is scary and makes me wanna die.

How did i manage to talk about relationships and dating, this was supposed to be about society.

I honestly have nothing else to say, i was a bit upset when i started this and now i feel stable again. Starting to understand why people keep journals lmao

Ok now i remember, before i go i will return to the topic of quality of life, before i got sidetracked.

I hate when people just accept the terrible conditions that we are given, because most people are comfortable enough even when they're uncomfortable not to do anything, when some of us get fucked by the system way harder. And then they tell me that life is just like that naturally. You're an imbecile. They misunderstand (sometimes i feel like on purpose) when i say that it's not supposed to suck. They call me childish for wanting things to be better "Oh life isn't all sunshine and rainbows" or "Welcome to the real world" I'm not saying that we can achieve a world where we eliminate all negative experiences and emotions, because you always might just fall on accident and break your leg really bad, but do you wanna live in a society where you only have to deal with a broken leg, or the society where you also get a lifetime of medical dept and a possible opioid addiction? Listen dude if you're a masochist and just love getting shafted with no lube, prep or protection by capitalistic society, that's cool but i like to have atleast the first two of those. Also i don't expect my mood to be 100% positive, but i'd like atleast 50/50, because rn it's 10% actually livable and the rest makes me crave death.

That is all, thanks for your time <3