save face/safe face

i dont really like being an awkward, uncontemporarily pretty girl.

wow okay fuck grammarly??

i attended like a teen youth festival, and for some reason, it seems like all my friends had their igs asked or, and yet im here in the dust yk

like

again i do think im pretty, but only like when im ovulating or in my follicular stage idfk gtfo

but most of the time, im chopped as hell

from face to actions

im harsh, sharp-tounged, and shift the blame so it doesnt land on me

im literally a paragon of academic success but in terms of attitude

well

i absolutely suck

beauty brains brawns

thats like the worst combo i could get

brawn and beauty

beauty and brains

cmon man

it always feels like im also behind them socially, like my friends are literally the only circle i know. i dont have classmates from elementary i still connect with, i dont have any cousins im close with, and i dont make an effort to reach out to even make new friends from different sections, what more if theyre from a different school?
i did try making a gc once

i stood out like a sore thumb

so

yeah

i didnt really chat there anymore,  and i feel like they talked about me in their respective gc's anyway and my mom later scolded me for it so yeah i kinda spiralled there.

i also looked back at my prepuberty (prepubescent is such an ugly word) photos

i really looked

like an adult who snuck their way in a kid's skin

i was too big for my age, hair too poofy, exemplary performance in academics, talkative, and i was fat

fat as fuck

i was 45 kilograms when i was grade 4

some of the girls in my grade10 batch are around >=40kg

????
then for some reason i never got prettier in the pandemic

i only got more awkward

ever since i was a kid i never played with the neighborhood kids

i always preferred the internet or the company of adults

i always thought i was too smart for the other kids, that's why id like talking to adults, since they matched me.

always hated the fact they infantalized me too much

then

in schooli did have friends, but it felt like

they had to be friends w me  yk?
so ofcourse i grew up without a single ounce of proper social knowledge

currently this grade 10, i have so many dogshow moments and pictures from grade 7 where i was a socially inept loser

i still am now

can someone just objectify me for once