thinking out loud: information retention or lack thereof

transience. 

i've always struggled with my memory. years of my childhood are lost in my mind and even if someone sits there and tells me what happened i can't remember. i'm not talking when i was a toddler, i mean something that happened a year or even months ago that was important enough i shouldn't have forgotten it. life changing, maybe even traumatic moments. it scares me a lot. i forget people that mean a lot to me. their voices, faces, mannerisms all melt together and then quickly disappear if i haven't seen or talked to them recently. sometimes i'm able to vaguely recall the memories that i cherished, bits and pieces that make me feel good but never fully come together. no matter how much i try and fight it, over time the people in it just turn into featureless blobs with no real presence, if that makes sense. i always need to write things down or else they will be lost forever. it feels like this just happens to me. why does everyone else remember this? what's wrong with ME? it's not fair

one thing that annoys me the most is my inability to learn things and retain that over time. it feels like i can fully understand a concept but i'm never able to remember it and reference it later. it makes me feel really stupid and the imposter syndrome is debilitating sometimes. it's not for lack of effort or interest, i love reading and learning new words but i have to keep relearning the same things over and over. 

everything has to be written down. if i don't make it into something tangible it's gone forever. photos, journal entries, scrawled notes on my books or on my wall. why can't i remember details about my friends? do i not care about them? the plots of my favorite books, tender moments with those i love, even things i enjoy or don't. i'm constantly fighting an uphill battle to not lose it all. i have to establish myself in other people's lives so they can remind me who i am

is it not normal? someone tell me "its just part of the human experience, nothing to worry about!" but nobody ever relates or understands what i'm trying to say. do i even have an identity if i'm never the same person two days in a row. am i ever being genuine if all i ever do is try and recreate yesterday's me