Maybe I took around more than I can handle?

I want to say the last couple of weeks. I've been really reassessing things just in general. Thinking to myself, I think I took on a lot more than I could handle. But I guess you could say I'm up for the challenge even though it's irritating me..at times. 

I thought real, long and hard about some upcoming events in my life. 

I am unsure of what I am doing at the moment. Building a home. Trying to start an event. Trying to live in between is the most challenging. A while back...I was getting sober off pills. Oh joy. I think the come downs and being just generally bitchy was wearing on me. Not even realizing that and the combination of my personal and professional life. It was becoming more than I could handle. So, I figured maybe I'll cut back on the pills..so I did. And the first month was just me being in a mood. That's for sure. To say the least. 

It's honestly sad to think about some situations. A friend of mine reminded me of something I did and I literally forgot about it until he mentioned it. And it was a pretty big moment not to remember. And I thought to myself I literally forgot that, the moment it happened. Until he mentioned it and even then it had to take a minute to click in. That's pretty bad. That wasn't the turning point no. 

Within myself it was getting unmanageable to say the least. Trying to take on all these different tasks. I needed to learn that I needed to be more clear minded. Not so ohh yeah I'm real relaxed, please walk all over me lol! 

Nope. I had to cut it off. I looked within myself. As I'm on a better beat and path..I think? Lol 

I just figured now is the time. I wanna try to keep at it. I have my moments of wanting to slip. But then you realize all that hard work gets pissed down the toilet and for what? I think a lot of the times I put on this shield this mask towards others and just become snappy when I guess you could say I'm feeling a bit out of the bubble ..!!! 

Not sure where I'm going with this..lol but I am getting closer to feeling better. I tried so hard to go on vacations. Twice. It didn't pan out. I was mad. The second time I was telling myself we are not going on these for a few reasons. Those I won't get into. But I guess I need a break. A longer one. Not just this quick patch. Let's put a bandaid over it, no. I can't. I am so done thinking everything is okay when it's not. I need a break a big one. A long one. For a little while. I can't keep functioning on this amount of pressure. Getting off the pills has not been easy. But I been managing...I feel like my support group is gone now.... 

Mr. Pitt. Miss K. If you remember them....I got in touch with Miss K. I couldn't believe my eyes and ears. Everything I once known. My support group...it would need another blog post. For once in my life...I was shook. That alone too with Miss K and missing Mr. Pitt really just shifted my mood to reassessitating the people in my life. It made me realize a whole lot. How I used to count on these friendships for strength and encouragement and really just to have a good time and have some good friends around at the time. But now a bit of time this past by and Miss K let me tell you it was really tragic to see and hear. Just the way she was communicating. I guess it just sucks when you look back at your support group the friends that were really there for you and then you watch them go down these crazy situations in life that are just sadly continuing to make them go downhill. No one have no control over that just really bugs me. I want to help them. But they just don't want it. And after seeing Miss Kay I was pretty blown away. 

And not just to think of the good old times if you will but it was really mind blowing. I think I would need to sit down with myself and think of a considerate way of how to tell the story. It just gets really lonely when you have these really great friends that these great lives they had just turn into something you can't believe happened. 

I think with the combination of getting off the pills really missing my old friend group. They were my support system. BFFs if you will haha. But now seeing what they were back then to what they are now. I was really having I hope for the both of them hoping they turn it around because I seen it happen before with them. But now it's a totally different story. So I think getting off pills made me realize I should keep going on the better beat and track because I really sadly don't want to end up like them.

Because it's scary. You just never know what these things. So I learned to just love them from a distance and reach out and say hey you know where I am kind of thing when you need me. But I don't want to extend the invitation and Olive Branch too much considering the mental mind frame and conditions are in. Because it's not what I was used to and how I used to see them flourish just see that pretty personality either. Which is no longer. I figured you know it's about time I clean up my hair that way. And having all these goals. Missing my friends at least bouncing things off to them about these things. It really just helped feel in that Gap and I had a good support system as a friend. And now I figured I would go back to the small little town I was in. Try to really say goodbye to everybody or at least catch up with them before I left the town. And it was probably everything I sadly knew it was going to be. When you're getting sober you kind of need a distraction. And I figured well let's see what everyone's up to. I probably most immediately regretted it when I did find out. 

Now..... Where you turned you who do you talk to? And I figured you know getting sober off pills and going somewhere else to regroup might really change my mind frame considering I really do need it. I cannot keep taking on all these things and really not having the biggest help towards it it's all me which is fine I signed up for that. But I am only human here and eventually sometimes you just go okay I need some time to myself. I need to regroup. And sometimes I even wonder with this whole movie business thing. I wonder if I should continue to keep doing it. Keep continuing to make songs and release the album. Sometimes I just say to myself should I just take like a whole 6 months or more to myself without any crazy expectations because I feel personally that would be great for me in my mental health. But ideally in realistically I can't just keep lagging on all these things but where do I start? I guess with a break.