Mid-November Update

I am still learning Chinese and Japanese albeit incredibly slowly, but it's definitely fun and not something I want to drop. I feel like I always know nothing and will continue to know nothing, but when I see some kanji or hanzi and recognize their meaning and reading, it feels good.

Just a random update since I don't feel like I've written anything in a while but I wanted to. Often, I feel like a bastion or fountain of sadness, so anything that can somewhat bring up my mood (even temporarily) is welcomed.

Zzz

Ummmm, I don't know it feels like I still lack an identity aside from being a very interesting friend and gamer. My days feel short and I feel like time for myself is sparse. When I have time for myself, I blank out on what to do and still feel massive guilt for doing anything recreational.

Lots of people will tell you the job market is bad. Not very many of them are unemployed but I guess that's a byproduct of who I am talking to (that is, the unemployed ones who I can relate greater to are probably at home like I would be). I don't know if I am nurturing Sloth by finding comfort in the idea (or fact!) that I am doing my best but the system is bad. I still fall largely under the belief that if I believe and want (and try!) hard enough, I'll get one. I don't know. I'm not exceptional in the job-sense except being funny and odd and a nice company to have. Maybe I really just don't have control over this. Regardless, I feel bad about it. Although, it's not like the people I feel pressure from are actually helping or even understand without going through the process themselves.

I guess that's what bothers me. My friends are all employed, so it definitely feels like a "me" issue. And, I would definitely be okay with being bad at getting jobs and realizing I can do better except... It Just Doesn't Feel Like It's Gonna Happen. There is no more "fixing my resume". I just don't have any hidden Work Experience or Skill to add that'll somehow fix this problem. And, I really don't want to run my shit through more Apps and Algorithms just to "pass the AI screening". I just hate it. I feel like I'm sterilizing my existence/resume like that. I'll fail if it means I get to keep my humanity—I made it bro I'm gonna use it.

Nothing is real. Productivity is the only goal. I don't belong. Unfortunately, I can't kill myself, even though I kinda wanna die or just not live. It's more of a... principle to live, I suppose. Maybe if conditions worsen. I feel very little attachment to the world anyways, and I live solely because there are people who would be sad if I passed away untimely.

So, in the meantime, I will sit with this dreadful feeling until things get better... somehow. What is my control over it? I don't know. I'm...trying. I am doing my best. It's not like I am particularly passionate about my own college majors. I just want to work in it because it is what I know. I don't know how to feel about anything else. I just want to use what I learned (and paid for). I thought it was fun then; I don't mind pursuing it now. Do I still deserve to live? For feeling just whatever about it?

I'm only really happy when I spend time with people. It makes me so incredibly bored and sleepy and unmotivated to do other things that would make my resume more "attractive". Like... leave me alone! I don't want my life to revolve around my job. I don't want to use my free time doing things for my job that I don't even have yet, already doing the work for them without any compensation. I don't want to! I just want to hang out with my friends.

Why are the steps so steep for applying? It's not like it's actually difficult. Nothing is freaking difficult unless it's like a precision thing or some other. Doing tasks is literally the easiest thing ever and learning it is the same thing. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Why do we have to prove to whoever that we deserve to live... ? Anyone can do anything. And, the depreciation in the value of college degrees is...... so........... disappointing. What weight does it carry now? Nothing, apparently. I can't even get an entry-level job with it. God, now what? 6 years from 2018-2024, and in a few months, I'll be entering the 2nd year of emptiness. I'm at a roadblock. "The job market is bad" and I am not particularly impressive.

Zzz

Maybe I just suck and maybe I'm just incredibly bad at this. I don't care... I'm trying...

18 November 2025 (12:00 AM)