Acceptance

These days I don't feel that bad. I can't even say it's because I'm recovering, because I'm not. I still cut myself from time to time and post it online as well sometimes, degrade myself, put multiple pills in my backpack so I can escape whenever I'd like, take too many of said pills when I'm in pain as an excuse, to feel more than just better, but the thing is that I at least can accept myself for it. I don't loathe and pity myself so much, have such volatile self hatred either over me and my existence. Life hasn't gotten better, not at all, in fact in some cases it's gotten worse. I think this guy I know who comforts me is possible trying to groom me too, one of my favorite teachers was fired for sexually harassing 8th grade girls, I've been forced to talk to my dad too (and it feels like mindrape when so and I feel like I'm losing myself everytime I do), my friends might not even be my friends next year, I still feel so lonely and depend on people to stabilize my moods, life has been no good for me and I've lost practically lost my three other friends online I tried so desperately to stay friends with; life is the worst

But I can accept that now. I can accept Im just a shitty person who acts nice, I can accept my incompetence and my doom. My addictions are genetic because both sides of my family are heavily addicted, and it sucks that im also addicted, but I can accept that. Everything passes, both pain and happiness and that sense of calm. Maybe this is just that "calm before the storm" type of thing, and I can tell even worse things will happen or perhaps even happening, but what makes it okay is that it doesn't destroy me so much anymore. 

The thing though is that, after so many years of being suicidal and still suicidal now, I have the permanent idea my life will end from addiction or me taking it myself, maybe not too long. Perhaps next year or this one, maybe 5, or maybe when I'm 30, I can't imagine anything other than this fate