Friday journal 11/14/25

So I will preface this particular journal entry today by saying... I finally got a haircut yesterday! Why is that so important? Nothing to note, except that I finally chopped off maybe 10 inches of hair or more on a whim after taking 3 exams in the past 24 hours. Maybe I fried my brain. Maybe the sociology exam got to me. I'm not sure. My professor literally gave us the chapters to study and told us god bless you; somehow in my single hour of studying before the exam I made the highest score of an 85. Then, my girlfriend picked me up to take me to my haircut appointment with my very awesome hairdresser who had already told me it was awkward when I looked her in the eyes, but I couldn't help myself when she was thickening and cutting my bangs. SO, by the end of it all, I had a bob, and a bag of mozzarella sticks and a strawberry slushie from sonic. Way to make me the happiest boy. We went to the store and got horrible, terrible box dye that I think gave me chemical burns from l'oreal but made me look like a honey barbecue chip as I had dreamed of; now, with the bob and honey barbecue chip colored hair, I looked like a Great Value Kim Pine and I wasn't sure what to do with myself. As for my girlfriend, she became a grapehead. (It's just purple box dye, lol.) She was so insecure about it because she's always used Splat's midnight ruby, but I think it makes her look like the Wendy's mascot on account of her freckles; the purple was a welcome change. Tonight is just one of those nights that I contemplate the identity I have created in spite of others and to please some others. Sometimes I think I am the only person who would like myself to go outside and smoke a cigarette in the cold or keep things the way they are. Everyone wants to go shorter until they hit a bump and the fuse blows. I wish nobody had even met me so they couldn't see what I'd become, because I'm disappointed in my peers and childhood friends. Some of them got engaged at 18/19, went into a trade and, like someone who's smart, escaped this place, went to university because they weren't transgender at a private school with a shitty guidance counselor and got the chance to do dual credit, went into the military, got fat, got skinny, got shorter, got a new religion, is the person I knew I couldn't take seriously when they tried to harass me into suicide. I'm here and I cut my hair and dyed it with my girlfriend. I think that there's some things I could do better, but I also wonder if academics really determines anything at all or is there just a malodorous vibe to my being. I wasn't allowed to take dual credit because my school said that I had a 1.8 gpa for all of my years in high school although I never saw my official transcript and only made 2 bs and cs respectively my entire time in highschool. If I could have fucked off to university earlier, I wonder what kind of person I'd be. Would I still be firm in my identity, or lost in the theatrics of my friends? After all, I accidentally set my sights on a party college, but I'm not the most hardworking or even sympathetic person. I don't like people in the abstract, so I'm nervous for this new chapter of my life, but I know someone will convince me to drink myself silly and jump off their friend's bridge if anyone acknowledged my existence.  It's weird to be aware of your "ideal," that is not so much an ideal as much as you being recognized as a human and not a ghost or an anomaly or an object to ridicule when you are bored. And it's weird to say that everyone reacted accordingly when you finally cracked after years of the same thing, but to say it was their fault isn't really specific enough; it's the type of world that you grew up in that's eating at you like hungry worms that did the damage. They were stupid kids that hurt your feelings then and stupid kids that hurt your feelings now. I just hate that the stupidity progressed from like, no sense of class consciousness, to physical violence and sexual harassment and death threats that I still worry about and pester me in my nightmares. My boss at my maid job says it's cool because they will all go to Hell. it doesn't help, because I wish I spent this waking life unconvinced I was going to hell myself.