my testimony of love

i just wanna be with her and put my nose to her hair and bury myself in her bones and turn so small i can stay in her pocket and be with her all the time. i wanna hug her like its my last one, i wanna look back and see her looking back, i wanna run with her through the crowd like i did in dreams, i wanna see her in all white. its all a dream, its all a dream, a year full of dreams and absolute bliss, this breathtaking girl ive hurt so bad, even though ive put my own hurt aside, can we ever move past it? would you bare to see my stupid face every waking day and still smile that beautifully human smile? you are so moving, so frustrating when you say you dont know. she weilds me with just a flutter of her lashes. i wanna watch her silk dark hair slowly turn white, watch her grow old like a beautiful wise tree, watch her leaves rustle in the wind, feel her roots intertwine mine so complexly that nothing can ever tear us apart, til we see the sun come rushing toward us. if i could be drained of each and every drop of my body's blood just to lay on the grass with her one more time, hear her laugh and watch her face wrinkle, i would. i would, i would, i would. to watch her let her hair down, to watch her stand under the sunlight, to go back again to that january night where i triumphed quietly to myself stay assured, heaven's real, i felt it ripple through me. and im sure if i were really bleeding out now, that would be what would be flashing before my eyes now. each and all night i stare at my drawings of her like a longing soldier waiting for the bullet. im waiting for the bullet. oh i want her i want her i want her. away from circumstance, matter and the very concept of time, i need her. and it hurts to put that great importance, because the loss will sting all that much more. love is a wicked losing game, love is fatal. i love the idea of her, the dream of her, but what i love most of all is her and her gentle fire, the woman she is and will become even when im not around. i would do anything to fund her success, out of nothing but desperation and despair, as a very strange stranger. peek into her life and maybe murder her future lovers. because the kindest thing i could ever do to her is haunt her as a ghost. i wonder if ill ever get to see her live our dream, in our house, with another. if ill mind or not, if i wouldve moved onto the next one. or if ill still be here, listening to the beach boys and writing this bullshit. and if im doomed to listen to these sad songs for the rest of my life i will, i will, i will.

im big into science, so please god when you find this prayer, let her be with me.