my god why have you forsaken me

I think there's a sort of symbolism in matthew 27:46 that maybe wasn't intended to be there, but it's a correlation I have drawn. 

Jesus was killed, in the minds of the religious leaders who wanted him crucified, in the name of god. He was a heretic, he taught people to break purity codes, he showed a kind of love they didn't understand and his influence was making them uncomfortable. Although he did nothing wrong, they wanted him dead because they were afraid of him and hated him because he was different; because he didn't adhere to social norms that were sacred to them. He was in so much agony that he cried 'my god, my god, why have you forsaken me?'

Compare that to horrors committed throughout history 'in the name of god.' anti-LGBTQ violence. 'honor' crimes. racism, misogyny, dehumanization of others who aren't the type of christian they're expected to be. It's become epidemic for people to leave christianity, scorning it as the religion that dealt them a lot of trauma, or as a hateful group of people. which is a valid sentiment. almost happened to me (until i actually read the bible 🙄). when people reduce you to your purity, and you are worth nothing else to them, it's easy to feel like god has forsaken you, because you've been taught all your life that this disaster is your actual religion. meanwhile jesus is probably bawling his eyes out knowing that people tack his name on this shit. 

i lost so many years committing to rituals that meant nothing to me, thinking that my religion was just a bunch of stupid rules that didnt make sense, thinking that morality was limited to purity of action and that i had to degrade myself to be acceptable. i was baptized as a baby for the sake of ritual, never allowed the chance to genuinely repent and want to have a pure heart. i'm never getting that time back.