i feel like shit spacehey

i might be a bit overdramatic bc its late and im sleepy

idk what im doing here

idk what more pressure I have to give to myself to shape myself to who i want to be like. ig the one job in my life should be to love myself and to be patient with watching myself grow, but I genuinely just cant help it but feel so disappointed in myself for not knowing what i want to do + not putting enough effort into the things im doing after coming all the way here

today i talked to my advisor ab planning for the rest of my college years and my head totally blanked out while we were talking ab it. i dont even know if i can do premed. idk what i want to do. idk whats best for me in general. I just feel like im just going to do things because I have to like I dont feel like im showing up to these places w will. well its not like i hate any of my classes and i enjoy them but like. like still idk what im doing. 

and i just wish i was more desperate. i need to get out of this crazy dopamine addiction bruh im just like. filling my head w junk food. ya this webtoon is peak but for what!!! i still dont fucking know what im doing. ig its not smth where i can sit down and figure it out in one sitting but I wish i spent more time thinking about it everyday. I wish i was more passionate! had more energy! see the good in life! continuously march on! 

all i do is bum out. I go to an art gallery and cant even enjoy everything as it is bc im always overthinking ab whether im consuming it right. I can't fucking do it! everything feels so incredibly superficial. People, the classes I take, the subjects I say I want to study. like none of these things are actually are things I have a tight grip on. I just feel so stupid bruh like. im typing my thoughts out on the books im reading it in literature class and its like. what do i understand ab them. why am i acting like i understand them. Why do I exaggerate so much like i loved it?? or like why do i like it?? bc its a old book??? bc it feels exotic?? i just fucking hate it i feel so phony. 

i like drawing. I think it feels like something I genuinely like. It feels personal. ig. But also sometimes i feel like i draw to prove that i like drawing. And i do like drawing. I like drawing even when im sorta trying to force myself to do it. I like looking at other ppl's art too. its nice to have this at least ig. but also where can this literally take me lol.

why did i sign up for therapist. ive been wanting to debrief ab this through writing for a while now. I go and just trauma dump ab things that never even cross my mind through day to day life, I cry, I come back out. I originally signed up bc it was free w the school insurance and i thought why not. might as well make the most out of my money. idk if its helping. I like feeling validated! I think I just like it when someone says that I worked hard to arrive at the present. And I think thats why i felt the pressure to tell all of those things to my therapist. Did telling them ab it rlly solve anything? -> not rlly. in fact it made me feel a bit hollow after saying all those things out loud bc like. these were like. ig some of the most toughest moments of my life and I was able to spit out everything about it in like less than an hour. idfk. but each time I revisit my therapist i feel more and more self-conscious. maybe this is typical. idk.

but yeah all of these different kinds of things just seem to make me feel more unstable by the day. I just want to feel more self-sufficient and  being conscious of the fact that the word choices and gestures I take instinctively feel like theyre all focused on getting some kind of validation makes me feel so. eegrhrghrgh

I wish I could just be a monk and live in the temple and like. draw in a little sketchbook and keep the sketchbook to myself.

well obviously people are meant to be social!! and i like talking...i like sharing my art and the things im doing and hearing ab what other ppl are up to. ig what I really meant to say is that I just want a better grip on myself.

I wish I was more passionate and desperate, and I wish these things all stemmed from my heart. I wish I tried harder. idk why im so incapable. idk why i skipped math today. i skipped bc i was sleepy but I didnt even end up sleeping. why do i not journal anymore? why do I not goalset anymore? why do I not exercise anymore? why do I not sleep more? why do I just let things pile in my room? why do I waste time scrolling or reading webtoons or doodling. why do I not go to office hours? why do i not go to club meetings? why have I not started on my scholarship application? Why am I not looking for another job? Why do I get so easily pissed off at people? Why do I not clean my kettle? why havent i replaced my brita filter. why do i lowk talk so much when im w ppl. why do i take so long to get up and shower. why do i plan a bunch of things and never execute them. why do i get so sad easily ab stupid shit. why am I always so mean to myself. what did i want in a therapist

also the more i thought ab it i think i would get more financial aid if my dad died so now idrc if he actually dies. he will prob not which pisses me off. i hate everything ab him from the way he texts to like. the way he like sniffles every time but his airways are fucked up all the time so he makes this gurthy noise every time he does anything that involves air traveling down his throat. hes so disgusting. and hes so greasy. he is such a fucking loser. i want to block his number bruh stop fucking texting me i'll literally kill you bruh ugh. UGH. UGHHHHH. whatever i have a lot on my plate already im just gonna try to convince myself that i dont have a dad.

i randomly thought this morning that I wanted to see the sunrise. idk why but it seemed like acool idea. its late rn so if i sleep now and wake up during sunrise i will 100% feel like shit. but I"ll still try. bc im just so sick of myself not doing anything. all u do is say a bunch of stuff and worry but not do fucking anything im so sick of u bruh.

that feels horrible to say but I wanted to get it off my chest. i dont want to hatem yself. i dont think im that bad. im trying bruh. it might not be my best but i dont like myself when im in this state either. it is hard. its just hard and sometimes idk what to do w all my emotions. at some point!! i just want to be able to work for myself mainly!!!!!!! i think it can probably get better... so ya

tmr:

* start looking through calc 3 specific problems

* look through chem review materials posted

* research for frosci citations

*HANG UP FLYER OMW OUT IN THE MORNING

*maybe nap during the day if i do wake up at sunrise

* maybe frosci hw  

things on the back of my mind:

* applying to labs for next sem

* make appointment w pre-med advisor + maybe ask mentor ab some related questions too

* the workshop thing we have to plan UJHGRJK

* final study plan

* Aeneid

ok gn