Nov 10th, 2025

Everything feels hollow and grey and like nothing with ever be okay.
I hate when I get into a random depressive cycle, one day i feel normal then for several days I just feel like shit. I hate it. I hate having these disorders. Living with BPD, autism and cptsd makes everyday an overthink fest where I feel like shit for doing nothing while actively being able to do nothing.
I wish I felt like I still had time to accomplish my dreams, but at 25 all I feel is a giant sense of waste and an overbearing feeling of "what is the point"?
I cant find it in me to care too much about myself, because looking out at the world and seeing all the suffering and lack of fairness makes me so sick to my stomach. Whats the point of trying so hard if at the end of the day it wont help stop genocide? save lives? have REAL actionable change within this world?
Then my mind wonders to my physical appearance. Why must I be judged for my race and perceived gender in such a harsh way? "Black girl" a label that should mean nothing but means everything, especially when living in the south.
I then think not of the things I can't control but all the things I could and how I fucked it up. Why didnt I run away from my abusive father? Why did I let myself be coerced into the military? Why didn't I stab my abusive stepbrother when I had the chance? Why, now, do I succumb to addiction and laziness? Why am I not allowed to end my pathetic waste of a life?
So many questions that always buzz around my mind. 
I wish they would stop.