Hey guess who's feeling like crap again

So I've once again come to the conclusion that I'm a waste of space and money. For context the currency in my country SUCKS, very low value and we also get paid really badly, so even as little as like 5 dollars is a lot of money for us yeah?

I can barely even get my thoughts in a coherent order. Well, so, my mom picks me up from karate and takes me with her to run errands yeah? Normally she goes to pay bills by herself and lets me run to the pet shop in the meantime to buy dog food, but today she wanted to check out some cat food for the stray cat that comes to our backyard, so I stayed with her while she paid bills, and I watched her give that lady SO. MUCH. MONEY. I have never even SEEN that many 100 bills in one stack before. We don't live in a big house, it's miniscule in fact, we don't have many people in the house either its just three people, so that money is literally just from waste.

So naturally I start freaking out, I'm not saying anything, but inside I'm freaking out as the weight of money that they failed to make me understand as a child hits me all at once. And of course I'm feeling like complete and utter shit. I'm thinking of every light I forgot to turn off, every bath I took too long in, every toy i barely played with, every fruit I forgot about and let rot, everytime I spent little bits of spare money at a shop, and of course, the thousands of money spent for me to fail at college. This same morning she yelled at me because I forgot to put the pans with leftovers from lunch in the fridge yesterday.

As I was washing the dishes a couple minutes ago and the whole time I just wanted to scream, I wanted to cry I wanted to panic I wanted to run away I wanted to stab myself with those forks, I got through it telling myself "just hold it back for now when you're done you can lock yourself in your room and cry as much as you want". Well I'm in my room right now and I can't bring myself to cry, honestly I think I don't deserve to cry, I don't deserve relief, I don't deserve comfort, I'm a stupid piece of shit and every bad thought I'm having right now is perfectly warranted, I'm not the one who deserves to let it out. I would try to l turn to religion in my worst moments like this, but honestly I think that right now if God himself came down in front of me and told me I'm not a mistake I wouldn't believe him, I would tell him he's wrong. I believe people can change and can do wonderful things, but I have proved time and time again I'm not one of those people, I always keep going back to the same old things, same old habits, same old problems, I've been cutting the skin off my fingers since I was 10, everytime I try to stop I just start immediately cutting it again as soon as I'm out the shower. I've been cursing like a sailor since I was 10, everytime I try to stop I let out another F bomb the next sentence. And a way worse problem at a way younger age I don't want to get into. But moral of the story, today I'm  still the awful person I was 20 years ago, and tomorrow I'm just gonna continue being the same awful person I am today.

I think this is the worst I've ever hated myself, I want to rot, but that wouldn't solve anything, that wouldn't give my parents back all of the money they wasted on me, still I want to rot, I feel like that's what I deserve, for all this gross rottenness inside me to manifest as real and consume me while I'm still fucking alive, not kill me, just make me suffer as much as humanly possible.

I'm gonna try to be more mindful of my consumption, but knowing my track record with making changes that's probably not gonna last for long. Still I'm gonna try. I think I'm gonna cut back on the snacks, like all of them, it's the little "cheap" things that add up to hundreds and thousands, gonna try to use my phone and computer less and take quicker baths, I'll try to pick reading back up to pass time instead, and drawing, I need to use up my supplies, maybe that'll get my imagination working again. It's not much but I'm gonna try, if I can't even do something as small as this then I'm actually, really, truly, completely fucking worthless.